


One Sided Love

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, High School, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 13:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 26,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4481651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy's 'sexy dance' with Xander has driven Angel insane. Starts from S2, episode Some Assembly Required.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jealousy

_ _

_by[](http://mysteryof.livejournal.com/profile)[ **mysteryof**](http://mysteryof.livejournal.com/)  _

 

 

 

_**Angel's Point of View** _

 

Angel walked by the graves of one of Sunnydale's cemeteries, looking for Buffy. He had stopped by the library first, but was told by Giles that she was patrolling at the moment. Tracking her scent, he found her sitting on the top of a gravestone playing with a yo-yo.  
  
Angel shook his head.  
  
Sometimes he would forget how young Buffy was. His eyes searched for a certain dark-headed boy, who usually hung around her. He was nowhere to be seen. Angel couldn't help the silly smile that formed on his lips.  
  
He walked towards Buffy listening to her talking to Stephan, whom Angel assumed was the dead person under the tomb.  
  
"Hey," he whispered.  
  
Buffy inhaled a quick startled breath and turned around to face him. When she still gazed in shock, he asked, "Is this a bad time?"   
  
"Are you crazy?" she exclaimed. "You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel."  
  
"I heard you were on the hunt."   
  
"I'm supposed to be, but... lazy bones here doesn't wanna come out and play."  
  
"When you first wake up, it's a little disorienting. He'll show," he spoke from experience.  
  
"It's weird to think of you going through that," she said quietly.   
  
"It's weird to go through," Angel replied, not that interested in this conversation. He was more interested whether Buffy's little friend was here with her or not. He couldn't smell the boy around, but he was too paranoid and that must have affected his senses. Suspicion was killing him and he had to know now. But how could he ask her without letting her know how nervous he was?   
  
"So, uh, you're here alone?" he asked looking around.  
  
"Yeah. Why?" Buffy asked, confused.  
  
"I just thought you'd have somebody with you," he said. "Xander or someone," he unfortunately added.   
  
Buffy's brow rose. "Xander." She must have suspected where this was going.   
  
"Or someone," he added quickly.   
  
"Nope," Buffy answered simply. She hopped down off the gravestone, and looked into his eyes. "Why? Are you jealous?"  
  
With an offended chuckle, he deprecated, "Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid."   
  
"Is it 'cause I danced with him?" she asked softly.   
  
"'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer," he said defensively.   
  
"Don't you think you're being a little unfair?" Buffy spat before she pouted. "It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success."  
  
"I am *not* jealous," Angel insisted.   
  
"You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?"  
  
He glared at her for the remark. She did it again. "See?" he started angrily. "Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing."   
  
"Well, I didn't come here to fight!"  
  
Suddenly, a vampire lunged at her and knocked her into him. He fell to the ground harshly, with the other vampire on the top of him.  
  
"Oh, right, I did," he barely heard Buffy say.   
  
Angel looked at the vampire she started fighting and guessed it was Stephan. Buffy kicked the vampire in the jaw, sending him stumbling into a large adjacent gravestone. She looked around frantically. "Where's my stake? I… I know I had a stake!"  
  
Angel didn't remember any stake, he remembered the yo-yo though. "I didn't see a stake!" he yelled. He got to his feet when he realized that lying down wasn't helping her.   
  
Angel attacked, but the vampire brought a shovel up and hit him on the side of the face, knocking him onto his back. He watched Buffy kicking and beating the vampire while he was holding the side of his head. After she staked the vampire, he got up. What a useful company. He barely swung at him. I was a shame, considering how old and strong he was compared to this fledge.   
  
Out of breath, Buffy turned towards him. "What do you mean he's just a kid? Does that mean I'm just a kid, too?"  
  
Angel mentally sighed. He did not want to have this conversation. "Look, obviously I made a mistake coming here tonight." He turned to leave.   
  
"Oh, no, you don't." He heard her calling from behind him. "You can't just turn and walk away from me like that. It takes more than that to get rid of me…"  
  
Suddenly, her ranting stopped. Angel blinked and turned around. Where was she? He walked towards the open grave and bent staring down. She was lying on an open and empty coffin at the bottom.   
  
"You okay?" he asked her, concerned.  
  
  
******  
  
  
Angel grunted when the pain in his chest started again. Wonderful. Someone like him losing to a bunch of lousy fledges. A perfect follow up to the humiliating scene he had with Buffy earlier when he couldn't even hit the newly sired idiot. Good thing no one he knew was there to witness the second humiliation.   
  
He reached the library doors, but stopped when he heard the laughter from inside. It was Buffy and …  
  
He frowned, peering from the door's round window. His frown deepened more. She was sitting there on the table with *him*, both eating ice cream. She gave him a light slap on the upper arm and he did that pout thing he always did, trying to look cute. Angel wished he could tell him what it really made him look like. They started laughing and Buffy was leaning on him.  
  
Angel gritted his teeth. He couldn't help the rising jealousy. This was what he had always feared. He knew about Xander's feelings for her, knew he would do all he could to get her, snatch her away from Angel. It was easier for Xander. He was attending school with her, sharing the same classes, sharing food and soda.   
  
He was able to be around her when Angel couldn't.  
  
Heaving a bitter sigh, Angel made his way inside. Both teenagers turned their attention to the library doors. Xander snorted when he saw him. "He does know when to show his undead face," he grumbled.  
  
"Angel," Buffy exclaimed with wide eyes, quickly jumping off her place on the table and running towards him. She softly touched his chest where the wound was before looking up with worried eyes. "What happened?" she asked.  
  
"Vampires. A lot of them," he answered quietly, wincing when her light touches caused some stinging.  
  
Her fingers froze at his wince then she drew her hand back. She looked up at him with resolve face. "Where are they?" she demanded.  
  
"I ran into a nest of them near the school. I think they're up to something."  
  
"Probably, since they're near the Hellmouth. I'll go check it out." She took a stake and started towards the doors.   
  
Angel grabbed her arm, stopping her. "You can't go there by yourself."  
  
She looked at him with a glare. "Try me. And you're not coming with these wounds. You'll be no use for me. And someone has to do the job."   
  
"Uh... ehm…"  
  
Angel and Buffy turned their faces to the forgotten Xander, who appeared bored. "Well, as much as I hate to say this, I agree with fang-face here. Buffy, you shouldn't go alone, which means…" He jumped off the table and pointed at his chest, "I'm going there with you."  
  
Angel shot him his best glare, ready to object.   
  
"You're not coming either, Xander," Buffy stated firmly.  
  
"Why not?" Xander cried out.  
  
Angel gave a triumphant look.  
  
"Because someone has to take care of Angel's wounds while I'm gone."   
  
"What?!" Now that yell came from both men.  
  
"I'm not doing that!" Xander objected.   
  
"What? Him? I prefer bleeding to death," Angel complained.  
  
"Angel, someone has to check on the wound in your chest," Buffy reasoned.  
  
"But that's not necessary. I'm a vampire. Vampires don't need any medical care. They heal on their…" he trailed off at the determined look on her face and sighed, defeated. "Well, can't I have Willow or Giles doing it instead of him?" he bleated, throwing a heated glance at Xander, who in return rolled his eyes.  
  
"Willow is doing a charity thing for school, and Giles is on a date with Miss Calendar." She looked down at her watch. "Now I've wasted two minutes chatting while I'm supposed to be doing some dusting," with that said, she made her way out.  
  
Angel closed his eyes in annoyance and slowly turned around to face his horrible fate. He opened his eyes and jumped startled when Xander's bored face was two inches in front of him. "Why don't you just sit down Mr. I'm-Kick-Ass-Vamp-For-Nothing while I get the first aid?"  
  
Angel praised his self-control, which he gladly still had, and only growled on the inside. It was okay for him to denigrate himself, but for Xander to do so? What had happened to the world?   
  
He watched Xander walk to the small office and took off his coat. Taking his shirt off, the fabric was stuck to the blood, making it burn irritably as he pulled, but he would handle it, because he was *not* a vampire for nothing.   
  
"Now I don't wanna remind you that…"  
  
When Harris trailed off, Angel turned around, wondering what went wrong. The sight that greeted him was shocking. Xander's wide eyes were exploring every inch of Angel's exposed upper body. A faint smell of arousal had hit him. The kid thought he was attractive.  
  
With a smirk, Angel sat on one a chair, stretching his body, regardless to the pain. When Xander hadn't made a move and still stood motionless, Angel snapped, "Hey, are you going to stand there forever?"  
  
Xander startled. "Huh?" He stumbled towards him, kneeling before him with the first aid kit placed next to him. Angel quickly hid the smirk when Xander raised his head at him, and wore his usual broody expression. He felt Xander's hands patching his wounds, their movement were very careful and light, like butterfly touches. Angel faked a sigh at the contact. He enjoyed Xander's overwhelming emotions. As much as Angel hated what he was, it did come in handy sometimes.   
  
He brushed his knee on Xander's chest on purpose but did it as spontaneous as possible. Xander stopped working for a second before going back again.   
  
The flushed cheeks made Angel feel self-satisfied. It made him want to humiliate Xander, call him on it. It was strange that he felt like that. It didn't feel like him. He wasn't that person, anymore.   
  
"Okay, now you can cover up," Xander said quickly, wrenching his eyes away from the bare chest.  
  
Angel looked at him in amusement.   
  
The boy hurried into the small office with the first aid kit. Angel's amused smile grew when he heard Harris' quiet gasps in there. What was he doing? Was he jerking off? No, that was impossible, he couldn't…  
  
A small groan was heard along with the sound of flesh rubbing. With great effort, Angel held the laughter inside.   
  
After few seconds, a blushing Xander made an appearance. He glared at Angel when he spotted him shirtless. "Why aren't you dressed yet?"  
  
"My shirt is soaked with blood."  
  
"Funny to hear a vampire using that excuse."  
  
"I'm not any vampire."  
  
"Yeah, you have a soul. Blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, you're nothing but a vampire."  
  
Angel narrowed his eyes at him. "I know you don't trust me. It seems you never will."  
  
"Well, not until you start breathing air." Xander started walking towards the doors. "C'mon, let's go help Buffy."   
  
How ironic. Xander had just told him he didn't trust him and now he was asking him to help. That boy had some double standards. With a head shake, Angel followed.   
  
  
*****   
  
  
The Second Coming, though short, was plainly a masterpiece. Angel wondered why he had never read for Yeats before. The soul and guilt had him missing out on most of the whole twentieth century. Looking that it was mostly about war and destruction, he was thankful he had missed it.  
  
Buffy's scent mixed with blood. She was coming over to his apartment. Yeats was tossed on the table and Angel stood right in front of the door. The scent of blood worried him. Not to mention the unpleasant scent of Xander.   
  
Frantic knocks attacked his door, making him hastily open it. Buffy stood before him, bloodied, with a tied up Xander next to her.  
  
"What's wrong?" Angel asked, apprehensive, looking at the blood dripping from the cuts on Buffy's face.  
  
"A behemoth demon," Buffy breathed tiredly. "She had captured Xander but I got him out. Giles and Willow are down there, trying to distract her. I'll go check on them. I'm gonna leave Xander here. You keep him here and safe while I finish her." She pushed Xander inside and slammed the door shut.  
  
Angel blinked. Behemoth demons, the male and the female, lived on youthful human males. Not by eating them, but by drinking their seed. He glanced at Xander and noted his trembling body as well as the flushed cheeks. It appeared he didn't take his stay there very well. His hands were tied behind his back and the buttons of his blue shirt were torn out. His clothes were very much crumpled.   
  
"Here," Angel whispered, gently. "Let me untie you."  
  
He moved in front of Xander, who jerked back glaring up at him. "Who told you I need your freakin' help?"  
  
Angel's eyebrows rose so high from shock. "I was…" He stopped and glared in return. "Oh, you're not even worth it." He strode towards his chair, grabbing his book and starting to read.   
  
However, it seemed that Xander was more interesting than Yeats. Angel couldn't help but glance at the idiot boy seated at the couch, trying to get comfortable. He squirmed into several positions but with his hands tied behind his back, he couldn't get comfortable.  
  
Angel waited for him to give up and ask the vampire to untie him. Apparently, Xander was too stubborn to admit his defeat. He walked over to the small kitchen and later there were sounds of drawers opening before silver objects smacking each other.   
  
With vampire speed, Angel was right by the kitchen door. "What are you doing?" he demanded.  
  
"What does it look like?" Xander retorted, trying with difficulty to direct the knife to cut the ropes.  
  
Losing his patience, Angel snatched the knife from the protesting Xander's hands and placed it inside its drawer. He turned towards Xander and growled, "Now stop acting like an idiot and let me take care of it."  
  
"I don't need your help!" Xander yelled, backing away.  
  
"God, you're irritating!" Angel paced towards him and Xander withdrew until his back hit the wall. Angel reached for Xander's shoulders to turn him around but Xander's struggles made that difficult. Eventually, Angel pulled Xander against his chest and peered over his shoulder to reach for the ropes.   
  
It was only when he heard Xander's aroused gasp that he stopped. It wasn't only him. Xander had stopped struggling as well, but that wasn't the point.  
  
Xander was turned on by this? That was impossible. He pushed his body against the human's and heard the captured gasp. The scent of arousal was very faint but it was there. Angel leaned forwards slightly rubbing against Xander as he worked on the ropes. Xander was getting very uncomfortable but he was still standing inertly. Angel didn't know what surprised him the most; Xander standing there without fighting or the arousal?   
  
How pathetic it was that Xander was already about to release when Angel wasn't even erect.  
  
He heard an angry groan. "Will you by any chance finish with the untying before next year?"  
  
"Well, if I wasn't forced to do it standing in this position, I'd have had you free half an hour ago."  
  
"You're a vampire, Angel. Just use your super strength and tear them up already!"  
  
Angel grumbled, Xander was so much like Buffy, always reminding him of what he was. But that didn't change the fact that he was right. Angel tore the ropes up, and once he did that, Xander pushed him aside and walked quickly out of the kitchen. Angel guessed he was looking for the bathroom. If he hadn't known better, he would say that Xander was, physically anyway, attracted to him. So, it looked like little Xander had a crush on the boyfriend of Buffy, the girl who held Xander's interests. Everything seemed to be working for Angel's benefits. If only could Xander see that he was interested in Angel as well.   
  
  
******  
  
  
Angel smacked the book he was skimming shut when it appeared to lack the information they needed. He sighed as he returned it to the bookshelf. The stack level of the school library had a big collection of books. It would take days to find the book they needed. He took another book, reluctantly, and started looking through it.   
  
He could hear the conversation downstairs. Giles had ordered Xander to look for another book in the stack level. Xander's protests caused Angel to smirk. He knew why Xander was refusing. So much had happened that made Angel aware of the irresistible lust lingering inside the teenager. He knew Xander was aware of it also. For the past few weeks, Angel, unconsciously, had been nothing but sexual torment for Xander.   
  
The night Spike had made an appearance; Angel had this plan to trick him, using Xander as bait. Every time he had pressed Xander tighter to his body, the boy's erection hardened. Days later had passed with chest wounds that were dealt with by Willow or Buffy. The amusing part was how Xander had glanced at his exposed chest from time to time. When Angel looked at him, Xander would turn away, embarrassed.   
  
What had still annoyed Angel were Xander's constant attempts to impress Buffy. Shouldn't that stop by now? It was obvious where Xander's interest lay. At least to Xander and Angel.   
  
He placed the other book back on the shelf, sensing Xander walking by him. Unconsciously, he gave a sigh, feeling Xander stopping rigid behind him.   
  
"What do you want?" Xander boldly asked, even though Angel felt the anxiety wrapping his senses.  
  
"Did I say anything?"   
  
"You sighed."  
  
"So?"  
  
He heard the gritting teeth and a second later, he was spun around to face the angry features of Xander Harris. "You think I don't know what you're doing?"  
  
"What I'm doing?"  
  
"Stop acting like you know nothing. You're doing this on purpose."   
  
"I'm doing nothing. If my presence puts you off, then it's your problem, not mine."  
  
It was true. Angel hadn't done anything to make Xander feel that way. His gestures, sighs, and glances were instinctive. He was not responsible for Xander's state of torture.   
  
He jerked his arm away from Xander's grip and resumed looking for the book. He could feel Xander standing next to him, frustrated and confused. However, Angel couldn't bring himself to care. It wasn't his business if poor Xander was confused. Kids his age always faced that stage where they needed to define themselves.  
  
There. The information about Juzma demons. He closed the book and turned to leave. Xander stopped him, with a distressed exclaim, "You're just gonna leave it that way?"  
  
Angel raised his eyebrows, before leaning forwards and brushing his lips on Xander's shocked ones for a brief moment. Drawing back, he looked down at the wide eyes. "Now, satisfied?"   
  
With that said, he made his way down the stairs.   
  
  
******  
  
  
"This can't go on, Buffy."  
  
"What is it? Us?" she asked, heatedly.  
  
He had seen them yesterday. They had laughed, snuggled together, casting smiles to each other. Xander held her tightly and she hadn't seemed to mind. He had whispered in her ear and she had dragged him onto the dance floor. Slow, seductive music had their bodies rhythmically sway. He had touched her hip. She had her arms around his neck.  
  
It was Xander's arousal that had Angel raged, but not as much as Buffy's thumping heart. He knew it would have gone this way sooner or later. He had always known he hadn't had a shot with a mortal. It still angered him though. It still ripped his unbeaten heart to pieces.   
  
He looked at her angry face, knowing clearly that it was nothing but a mask. She was scared and hurting, waiting for the blow. "Maybe this isn't gonna work," he whispered.  
  
Her lips trembled. Her eyes were getting glassy. "Why?"  
  
"Because it's doomed from the start, Buffy. I'm a vampire, you're the slayer. It won't work."  
  
Her lips twisted. The pained look in her eyes turned hard. "You know," with a wavering voice she started. "Maybe I should start dating guys my age."  
  
"Yeah, maybe you should," he spat, turning away. Xander. Xander. Xander. How he disliked him.   
  
She had left, leaving him with undesirable faint images of a certain dark haired boy licking her neck alluringly.   
  
  
  
*****  
  
  
  
"What are you doing here?" Angel growled, if not a bit confused.  
  
Xander made his way inside the apartment. "She's gone with this senior guy."  
  
It wasn't Xander, then? She went out with another guy. Angel stared at Xander but wasn't actually seeing him.  
  
"Earth to Mr. Hair-gel. How do you put it on, anyway?"   
  
Angel startled. Xander was few inches closer to him. "Why are you here?"  
  
"Can't a guy visit his vampire buddy once in awhile?" Xander shifted, uncomfortable.  
  
Angel frowned. "Not you." He approached Xander and had his eyes narrowed more at his face.  
  
"What?" the boy snapped, withdrawing back.   
  
"You came for sex, didn't you?" Angel asked with wide eyes.  
  
"N-no," Xander replied, shaking his face hard.  
  
"Yes, you did!"  
  
"No, I didn't. I'm here for a completely different reason!"  
  
With his arms crossed around his chest, Angel asked, "What?"  
  
Xander rubbed his temple. "Um… unfinished business?"   
  
Angel raised both eyebrows in amusement.   
  
"Yes, I'm pathetic! I'm weak and a *teenager*, teens are people subjected with horniness. Rushing hormones. Gay rushing hormones."  
  
Angel's eyebrows were still hung up in amusement.  
  
"And *you*!" He pointed at Angel accusingly. "You started with the gay thing! You want me so bad." He crossed his arms, gazing at Angel with uncertain complacency.  
  
Brookes had said that paradox was the language of poetry. Angel had decided to write a poem about this sweet little situation, inspired by Xander's last quote. Now if Spike could write poetry, Angel definitely could as well.   
  
"Yes, Xander, I can't help myself. I go crazy without you…"  
  
Xander held up a hand to make him stop. "Leave the trash talk for Buffy. We're guys, Angel." He moved closer to him, looking up. "Guys go like this." He dragged Angel's head downwards, crushing his mouth into his.  
  
Angel had completely forgotten how it was to kiss a man. His first kiss with Xander was similar to his with Buffy. Slow, smooth, sweet, but with Xander, short. This one was different. Rough, hard, brutal, it was how men liked to kiss, more specifically how vampires liked to kiss.   
  
Xander drew back to catch his breath. Angel growled pulling him up harshly and smacking his lips into the warm ones. Xander's legs hung in the air, but the boy didn't seem to complain. His hands clutched Angel's shoulders in apparent distrust, maybe fearing Angel would drop him down.  
  
Buffy laughed in Angel's head, she ran her hand alongside the senior boy's cheek. She smiled at him. Angel growled, hitting Xander's back to the wall violently. Xander gasped in pain, but Angel hadn't let go. He bit Xander's lips with force and heard him groan.   
  
Buffy kissed the senior.  
  
Angel drew back and glared at Xander, growling. Xander looked at him dazed. "Vampire," he panted.   
  
It hit Angel that he had lost control of his façade. His true nature appeared before Xander's face. Forehead on forehead, nose on nose, Xander's blinking eyelashes brushing lightly on Angel's closed eyelids, with Xander's shaky warm breath hitting his cheeks. Angel, for the first time, had grown hard around Xander.  
  
"While I'd enjoyed being picked up when I was a kid, I don't really appreciate it that much now," Xander said between breaths. Angel looked down at Xander's dangled legs.  
  
Angel looked up at Xander and stared at him, still lifting him up. "What?" the boy asked.  
  
"I think I want you."  
  
  
*****  
  
  
It wasn't really Xander, he tried to convince himself as he stared at the unconscious naked boy next to him. It was the thought of Buffy being with someone else that had driven him over the edge. He was sure. He might not have been thinking about Buffy when he screwed Xander to his mattress, but he knew she was the reason this happened.  
  
Anger, but for the first time in awhile wasn't directed at Xander. It was directed at himself. Guilt. Regret. Angel hadn't felt this small in centuries. Jealousy and what it did to people.   
  
He looked at Xander's sleeping face. He had used him, twisted his life upside down, went out of his way to damage him because he had been jealous of him. Now this would be another weight put on his guilt list. He couldn't believe he would take advantage of someone like that. For a year now, Angel had more control over his demonic instincts. He had learned to live, talk and act like a human. What had happened now?  
  
Buffy's scent.   
  
The eyes that were staring at Buffy's naked sleeping friend had widened in alarm. Angel jumped from the bed, and with vamparic speed had his clothes on.   
  
He stood outside his apartment the minute Buffy was about to knock. She looked at him, startled.   
  
"Hey," he whispered.  
  
"Hey," she responded with a quieter voice.  
  
"How's your date?"  
  
"Terrible. Couldn't stop thinking about you." She lowered her head, embarrassed.  
  
"Me too," he admitted.  
  
She looked up at him, hopefully. "Angel, why don't we try again? Maybe…" she hadn't finished, but her eyes pleaded.  
  
"I was jealous."  
  
She looked confused. "Jealous?"  
  
"Of Xander."  
  
She almost broke laughing. "You're still fussing about that?"  
  
"I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little."  
  
Her emerald eyes focused on him. "I don't love Xander," she spoke sincerely.   
  
"Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight."  
  
She looked up at him with a sweet, warm smile. "I don't look that good in direct light."  
  
He smiled. A long intense moment and he had her lips on his. Sweet. Soft. Smooth. She broke away shortly.   
  
"I have to get back home, mom made it clear I should be back before eleven sharp."  
  
"Want me to walk you?"  
  
"Nah, she was there when I went out with Aaron. It'll freak her out if she saw me come back with another guy."  
  
Angel chuckled, watching her leave, before he returned back to his apartment. Xander was in the middle of the room. He had already had on his pants, and now he started putting on his shirt.  
  
"So you and Buffy are back together?" Xander asked in a matter of fact tone.  
  
"I think so," he answered. His feeling of guilt built up again. His eyes not leaving Xander's stiff body. "Look, about what we did…"  
  
"No, no, you don't have to explain," Xander interrupted. "It's just sex. C'mon, we're men. It doesn't have to mean anything."  
  
"Good, good. I just wanted to make it clear."  
  
Xander wore his coat, giving a tight smile. "Well, it is."  
  
"Good. It was really nice."  
  
"Well, it's my first time, so I can't really tell."  
  
"What's with the attitude? You were much more easygoing back there."  
  
Xander looked at him for a moment. Angel couldn't read him. Finally, Xander shook his head. "Nothing, just wanna get home. I need to sleep and your bed isn't comfortable."  
  
"Yeah," he muttered, looking down at the black ant on the floor, feeling as small as it was right now.   
  
Stiff movements he tried to block his sensitive ears from hearing. Scents of shame and humiliation he tried to block his nose from smelling. All tries failed, except for the eyes. They were firmly focused on the small ant, unable to see a crushed teenager trying to act careless.   
  
The door was closed, leaving the demon in his apartment alone. Maybe that was why Angel had fallen in love with Buffy. She had always brought the human in him, while Xander had brought nothing but the monster, raw and bare.   
  
Feeling ashamed, angry and small, Angel squashed the ant with all his might.


	2. One Sided Lust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander is going to deal with the new feelings growing inside of him.

_**Xander's Point of View** _

 

He looked at her with intimacy.   
  
She smiled up at him.  
  
He brushed a stray blonde lock behind her ear.  
  
She closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of his fingers on her face.   
  
Xander grimaced from his place on the ground at the happy couple. The Scoobies had just won another battle against a pack of ruthless vampires, leather-and-jeans clad, bad-boy image in tact. Buffy and Angel had gone out of the fight without a scratch; on the other hand, Xander was covered with bruises all over his body. The one on his cheek particularly stung hard, but it didn't hurt as much as being ignored by his love-struck co-fighters.   
  
"Are you okay?" Willow fell down on her knees next to him and touched the bruised area on his cheek.   
  
Xander winced and jerked his head away. "I'm fine," he grumbled, and then he glared back at Buffy and Angel.  
  
"Oh." Willow's disappointed and sympathetic voice indicated that she figured out the reason behind his pissy attitude. "She really loves him," she said in gentle tones, trying not to hurt his feelings.   
  
Xander looked at her, and she smiled understandingly while running soothing circles on his back.   
  
But she didn't really understand. She didn't get the war that was going inside him, old feelings clashing with new ones. The fact that Buffy and Angel leaning toward each other  _without_  their lips touching filled him with so much desire was beyond infuriating. He desperately needed to believe that he still fantasized about Buffy, that she was still number one in Xander's list of ultimate heartbreakers. However, in the past few weeks, so much had happened that turned things upside down for him and it was all someone's fault.  
  
His eyes burned Angel's content face that couldn't look anywhere past Buffy. The jerk had him discover so many truths about himself, open new set of desires, and sadly, Xander turned his gaze to Buffy, closed old ones forever.   
  
No matter how much Xander tried, he had failed to return his old feelings for Buffy or any beautiful woman thus far and he feared he never would again. Someone else captured his attention now, someone who wasn't a female, someone who wasn't a human.   
  
He gripped the grass so hard he tore it off the ground.   
  
Angel kissed Buffy, and Xander looked away.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander had it coming. After all, he didn't crash a frat house party because he wanted to protect Buffy. Well, he did a little, but the sole reason for doing so was to prove to Cordelia that he was just as cool as those college guys, not to mention catching an orgy. He hated that he was always regarded as less, that he wasn't good enough, that he was doomed to be the joke.   
  
Unfortunately, crashing a frat party didn't change anything. He was still  _the joke_.  
  
"C'mon! Dance, pretty boy!" a frat guy hollered after his buds had stripped Xander of his clothes and forced him to wear a skirt and a gigantic bra.   
  
Xander looked around in fear, not wanting to humiliate himself nor get beaten for disobeying as well. So, he started dancing clumsily as commanded, enduring the ridiculing laughter from everybody around him.  
  
"Keep it moving," Frat Jerk cheered. "C'mon! Shake it, don't break it. Wrap it up and I'll take it."  
  
Trying to save the last shred of dignity inside him, Xander said nervously, "Okay, big fun, guys. Uh, who's next?"  
  
Frat Jerk shoved a blonde wig on his head and smirked at him. "You are, doll face. Keep on dancing."  
  
Xander did as told. He kept on dancing while trying to look away from the mocking eyes and laughing faces. He couldn't fight them all, and the last thing he needed was getting a bruised face. At least, none of these bastards knew him and he could lie about all of this tomorrow. If he got out of here without a single bruise, he could still gloat to Buffy and Willow about getting into a frat party and hitting on college girls, who found him interesting and appreciated his clever wit. That would shut Cordelia up. All he needed to do was get past this mortifying episode without getting caught by anyone who knew him.   
  
"Xander?" the deep voice he recognized immediately drifted to his ear through the laughter and music.  
  
"Shit," he hissed and stopped dancing. His eyes shot open at the sight of Angel's shocked face looking at him while he stood among the crowd surrounding Xander.  
  
"Hey, why'd you stopped?" Frat Jerk demanded as everyone else let out disappointed groans.  
  
Xander's heartbeat sped up and his lips fluttered as his gaze didn't leave Angel's face. He didn't know how he appeared like, but obviously it wasn't flattering at all. Angel must have been fighting laughter, his remarks were probably about to burst out any second.   
  
But Angel said nothing. He just stared at him with his usual impassive expression.   
  
Xander snapped out of his dazed gaze by Frat Jerk yanking on his arm. "I said 'Dance', you dork!"   
  
Xander looked at Frat Jerk awkwardly. He could not shake his bootie in front of Angel. He had vowed to never humiliate himself after the sexual encounter they'd had in Angel's apartment weeks ago, which had been followed by Angel going straight into Buffy's arms, dismissing him entirely. Angel being aware of Xander's obvious sense of arousal around him was the most embarrassing thing he'd ever get out of Xander from now on. Starting from tonight.   
  
"Do it!" Frat Jerk yelled, pushing Xander roughly to the center of the circle.   
  
Xander stumbled forward, but didn't fall down. He turned around to face Frat Jerk with a gaze that grew stronger as he considered voicing his refusal. So what if he ended up with a bruised face? It didn't matter anymore. Telling Buffy and Willow that he'd been kicked out of the frat house was far manlier and easier to do than embarrassing himself in front of Angel again.   
  
"Leave him alone," Angel said in a low dangerous voice, interrupting Xander's attempt to refuse dancing.   
  
Xander and everybody else turned shocked eyes at Angel.  
  
"What?" Frat Jerk said.  
  
"Get his clothes and let him leave," Angel ordered with a hard expression marring his face.  
  
Frat Jerk folded his arms around his chest. "And why would we do that?"  
  
"Because if you don't, I'll make  _you_  wear that bra." He nodded his chin toward the huge, white bra, and Xander resisted the urge to cover his chest like a woman and settled for looking away in disgrace.   
  
"Who the hell are you?" Frat Jerk exclaimed with indignant.   
  
"You look older than a college student," a girl in the crowd said.   
  
"I'm your worst nightmare if you don't do as I said," Angel answered, ignoring the girl's observation.   
  
Frat Jerk was about to retort, but thought it over when Angel started approaching. The air of danger that surrounded Angel was enough to make the college losers compel to do his bidding. One of the frat assholes brought Xander's clothes and handed them to him with a grumble. Xander eyed his clothes for a few seconds before he took off the wig, undid the bra and tossed them both aside. He snatched his clothes from the older boy and headed straight outside without sparing a glance at Angel or anyone else.   
  
What had just happened was too humiliating he felt it was better to disappear out of the building and into the night. The solitude of his room called out for him as well as the comfort of his bed and warmth of his blanket. Maybe he would shred a few of his least favorite comic books to release the angry fire of frustration burning inside of him.   
  
"Xander," Angel called after him.  
  
"Get lost," he muttered under his breath, still walking away.  
  
"That's what I get for helping you out."  
  
His feet stopped moving at that comment. The chill of the night had his topless upper body shiver slightly and he hoped he would not catch a cold. "Go gloat somewhere else. And while you're at it, press 'repeat' on the whole scene back there and laugh your stupid vamp ass off. Over and over." He couldn't help the bitterness seeping outside with his words. He had it with humiliations, especially when Angel was around to witness them. Or cause them.   
  
"Look…"   
  
"No, you look," Xander interrupted, spinning around to face Angel angrily. "Isn't it enough…" he trailed off and looked down, glaring at the skirt he was still wearing. With a growing sense of defeat, he let out a sigh and turned around, about to resume walking away. "Just leave me alone."  
  
"You're right. I got better things to do. Saving Buffy is more important than your… than this."  
  
Xander's foot stopped in the middle of a step he was just about to take, and he looked over his shoulder at Angel's determined face.   
  
"You're gonna help or you'll just mope around?"   
  
Funny that he should mention moping around since that was one of his specialties. Xander appreciated how Angel tried to make it appear like Xander's help was needed to save Buffy, creating an allusion that helped distracting them both from what had just happened minutes ago inside the frat house.   
  
Clutching his clothes to his chest, Xander turned around. "Buffy comes first."  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander looked at Willow inside the library cage with overwhelming sadness. She was fidgeting and gazing aimlessly at nothing, her body shivered with unease as her frightened stare resembled that of a haunted deer. Some jackass demon had fed on her mind, leaving her helplessly insane. She had been like this for hours now and it was getting more difficult to watch by the minute.   
  
Buffy's hand touched his shoulder in a comforting gesture. He looked at her, comforted by her sympathetic gaze. "We'll get her back. Don't worry."  
  
He nodded and looked back at Willow. They had done their research and discovered that some sort of a healing plant that usually grew inside a cave in the north of Sunnydale was the cure to Willow's condition.   
  
"So, I guess we better hurry," he said.  
  
"Yes."   
  
They hadn't moved, though, not capable of leaving Willow, even while knowing that she wouldn't be alone. Xander glanced at Cordelia who sat on the table in the middle of the library swapped by her fashion magazines and beauty products to keep herself occupied while she babysat Willow. It was nice of her to help, even though she pretended to do it out of obligation and not because she cared.  
  
"All right. All is set." Giles came out of his small office, bearing a crossbow and a sword. He and Buffy needed these weapons to be able to kill the demon in question. There had been a few cases of insanity caused by this demon in Sunnydale and it should be stopped before it fed on more brains.   
  
Giles stood before them with a swift uneasy glance at Willow. "We're off then?"  
  
"Yeah," Buffy said. She grabbed her sword and swung once to test its weight, looking ready to send the son of bitch to where it belonged.   
  
Xander sighed and looked at Angel standing by the library doors. Since Buffy and Giles were going to kill the demon, Xander was supposed to go to the cave and fetch for the de-insane plant. He was also supposed to take Angel with him for muscle support.   
  
"C'mon, blood-breath, let's get moving," he ordered and walked past Angel outside the library. The sooner they got this over with the faster he would get rid of Angel's company. For weeks now, he couldn't control himself while he was around the idiot; it was like he was under some sort of horny spell. Shouldn't he be over it by now? He already had gay vampire sex with him; the magic should be off, right?   
  
As they walked through the cemeteries, Angel's shoulder brushed against his, creating a spark of electricity that ran down his spine. He stopped walking at the sudden rush of desire that enveloped him, squeezing his eyes shut and cursing his damn body.   
  
"Why did you stop?"   
  
Xander cracked open his eyes and glared draggers at Angel's expressionless face. The bastard knew exactly why Xander had stopped and for all Xander knew, Angel had touched him on purpose.  
  
"Just… don't touch me, okay?"  
  
"I didn't…"  
  
"Whatever. Keep your distance, pal." With a wave of disgrace, Xander kept on walking only to stop when his eyes caught a sight of another leather-jacket-wearing-vampire. He froze in place when he noticed Spike leaning against a tree, the smoke of his cigarette danced in the air.   
  
"Spike," Angel hissed, stepping forward and standing side by side with Xander. The fear inside of Xander overpowered the usual sense of arousal at Angel standing near him.  
  
"Angel." Spike looked at them, his lips quirked up on one side.  
  
"What are you doing here?"   
  
Spike threw his cigarette down and put it off. "Free country. Can be wherever I please."  
  
"Get out of the way, Spike, or else…"  
  
"Or else what?" Spike cut in and folded his arms around his chest in a challenging manner.  
  
"Or else we'll get the Slayer's mom to kick your pastel ass like she did last time," Xander said.   
  
Spike's eyes turned toward Xander as if he just noticed him. "Ain't that your little human boy?" He looked back at Angel with a meaningful smirk. "Can't go about without him by your side, I see. Taking little boys as your life partners?"  
  
Xander frowned. "I'm not a little boy."  
  
"Last time, mate, you were food. Matter of fact…" Spike approached Xander and stuck his tongue to the back of his teeth. "Don't mind having a quick taste this second."  
  
Xander took a few fretful steps backwards but Spike managed to grab him and hold him with one arm. Xander's back was against Spike's chest, which left him face to face with an aggravated Angel.   
  
"Spike, let him go."  
  
"What?" Spike's free hand went to pinch Xander's cheek. "He's young and fresh. Tasty little bit, he is."   
  
"I said, let him go."  
  
"When we saw of each other at the school, you'd offered me a bite from this one. Bit disrespectful not to accept."   
  
When Xander felt Spike lean toward his neck, his survival instincts jumped into action as his leg swung backwards and hit Spike on the crotch. Fortunately, male vampires reacted to that just like male humans did, exploding into a cry of sheer pain. Spike sank to the floor, releasing Xander, and held his crotch while cowering on the floor.   
  
Xander looked at him in anger. "This is for the 'little boy' comment. And the 'food' one, too."  
  
He heard a ridiculing chuckle from behind him and twirled around, switching his glare from Spike to Angel. "And you!"   
  
Angel stopped chuckling immediately, and his satisfied expression was replaced with a startled one.  
  
"This is the second time you just stood there and waited for him to bite me. If I'd known any better, I'd think you wanted me dead, and letting another vampire kill me is the convenient choice because you won't be blamed, and then you won't be subjected to Buffy's wrath." As he ranted in exasperation, Xander found himself trying his best not to believe the words he was saying. He couldn't understand why he wished his words were mere lies, considering that the only feelings he had for Angel were nothing but physical lust. He wasn't supposed to care if Angel wanted him dead or not, was he?   
  
With a sigh, he walked past Angel, purposely knocking his shoulder against the boarder one on the way. "Let's just save Willow."  
  
Behind them, he could hear Spike blurt out a few angry curses but chose to ignore him. His mind was too occupied with returning Willow's sanity than thinking about him losing his own.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander looked at the opening of the cave, feeling a little underwhelmed at the muddled play of the rocks that gave the cave a normal and boring outer. He had thought the healing plant would be inside some special looking cave, sort of like the tiger-shaped cave that Aladdin had to enter to get the lamp. Okay, maybe not exactly like it, he definitely didn't assume he would find gold and jewelry he couldn't touch inside either, but at least he expected to be greeted with something extraordinary.   
  
When Angel stepped forward, Xander was snapped out of his thoughts and wanted to smack himself for thinking of trivial stuff when Willow was suffering back at the library. He followed Angel inside the cave and was struck by the chilly air that hit him. He never thought that caves would be colder inside, weren't caves supposed to be home back in the days of Adam and Eve? Homes were warm and cozy, right? Thinking about his own home, he scratched that thought away.   
  
Walking further inside the cave, it took more effort to breathe as the air got less and less. Xander leaned with his hand on the damp, rough edge of the cave and struggled to inhale the remaining air into his lungs. Angel noticed his difficulty to breathe and stopped to throw him a glance over his shoulder. "Maybe it's better you wait outside. I'll get the plant and meet you there."  
  
Xander shook his head. "Not a chance," he choked out with difficultly.  
  
"Don't be stupid. The plant is guarded by a demon. With the lack of air, you'll be more of a burden to me than an assist. Just wait outside."   
  
Xander watched Angel walk away and tried to take a few more steps forward. He wouldn't stand outside like a loser, not when Willow counted on him. He was going to march inside and grab that plant even if his lungs shrunk to the size of zero. Inhaling the remaining air around him, he shut his eyes and ran with all his might further into the cave. He didn't stop until he stomped on a sultry type of skin. With the way his body was lunging forward, it bounced at the collision, and he fell hard on his butt. His eyes jolted open and his breath choked on the lack of air. In front of him stood an enormous green demon with sticky skin and it hovered above him dangerously.   
  
He could faintly hear Angel behind him curse his inanity, and then Xander's eyes caught the yellow colored plant behind the sticky demon. He forced his body to crawl toward it, struggling against the lack of oxygen. He expected the demon to stop him any second now, but any shots at squashing him never came. The only thing he could hear were smacks and groans but that didn't interest him much, especially when he was seconds away from the yellow healing plant.   
  
He pulled a lot of effort to reach a hand toward the plant, but dark dots filled his vision, and then he saw nothing.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
A warm hand caressing his cheek was the first thing he felt when he regained consciousness. Xander opened his eyes to a foggy view where colors were mixed with each other creating one of those pointless oil paintings that his teacher insisted they held a valuable meaning within.   
  
"There you are." Even though he couldn't see clearly, he could recognize that voice, and his heart thumbed with emotion.  
  
"Willow?" he said with a hoarse voice.  
  
"Yes, you big dummy." Finally, he vision cleared little by little, and he was greeted with the lovable face of his childhood friend that held an unmistakable scowl.  
  
"Wha…"  
  
"Are you insane?" Willow scolded, her warm, comforting hand leaving his cheek. "Why the hell did you venture into an airless cave like that? Okay, I get why, but still, do you think I'll be happy when I get my mind back and discover that you died trying to save me?" Her brows furrowed in displeasure. "You should have stayed outside and let Angel handle it."   
  
Xander blinked in confusion, trying to connect her words together and make sense out of them. He just woke up. It wasn't fair dumping all that information on him and expecting him to understand.   
  
Willow's frown deepened. "Even though Angel thought it was brave, I think I agree more with Giles' choice of word, foolish."  
  
Xander stared thoroughly at her, finally achieving the connecting thing. Apparently, he had passed out inside the cave. Angel had gotten the plant and Xander out and went straight to library where Giles did his thing and fixed Willow using the plant. He was about to ask Willow if that was what had happened but then something Willow had just said seemed more important than the consistence of the last events. "Angel thought I was brave?"  
  
Willow lost her scowl and smiled at him. "He did. You should be nicer to him from now on. He saved your life."  
  
Angel could have let the demon have its way with him or left him to suffocate, but he chose to rescue him. He didn't want him dead. An overwhelming feeling of joy spread inside him, but not at the thought of Angel saving his life, it was mostly at him calling Xander brave. Angel thought he was a man, not a 'little boy.'  
  
The joy died shortly when realization hit him. It seemed he wasn't just having the hots for Broody-Boy. He actually cared what Angel thought of him and felt happy when he complemented him.   
  
This wasn't just lust anymore. It was undoubtedly a crush. Xander was crushing on Angel.   
  
He scowled. Shit.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander flushed the toilet and went out of the stall with a sigh. He gazed at his tired features at the mirror as he washed his hands. They had been hitting the books for hours, trying to find a way to defeat the Judge, but no success so far. Xander could have focused more on researching if he hadn't been troubled with the news of Angel's disappearance.   
  
He couldn't help the rising panic inside him at the thought that Angel had stupidly gone after the Judge himself. Or maybe he was kidnapped by one of the Judge's lackeys and was used as a hostage. Or maybe he was already dust because of his idiotic superhero act when he should have known he was Robin to Buffy's Batman. Xander rubbed the soap on his hands fiercely, hating how scared and worried he felt for the Big Brood.  
  
The last six weeks had been a torture after he had finally realized that he was falling for Angel. It was unbearable to be with him in the same room, more so now than before. At least before he could blame his erections on irrational teenage hormones, and not feel that bad about it. But lately, the way his heart started to beat at the sight of Angel and his uncontrolled jealousy whenever Angel touched or hugged Buffy were plain… pathetic and, more pathetic. He couldn't blame the growing feelings on hormones anymore, which sucked, because he was acting kind of like Cordelia when she had been trying to throw herself at Angel. Xander used to mock her for it, unaware that fate liked cruel irony and playing the karma card. However, Cordelia had the advantage of not being friends with Buffy and being a popular cheerleader –which meant she got to appear stupid and get out of it scott free. Besides, she was a girl. Angel was expected to have fangirls yearning for him. Xander was a guy, and in high school standards, the consequences of going public with an Angel crush would be getting beat up and having your face buried in dirt.   
  
Life was much easier when Buffy was the center of his universe.  
  
He took a deep breath and turned off the water. What was happening right now was more important than his stupid little crush on Angel. He forced his mind to think and stared hard at the mirror trying to focus on the new big bad and not drift into thoughts related to tall, attractive vampires. Now where did they stand on the whole Judge thing? On a pile of really boring books that said exactly the same thing.  
  
"Okay, a new big bad, how to kill it. Weapons, good weapons, army type weapons. If only we had an army…" he trailed off, seeing his eyes on the mirror getting wider as an idea popped into his head. He could easily picture that lamp in cartoons turned on above his head.   
  
Then the lights suddenly went out in the bathroom.  
  
"Hope that doesn't jinx the idea," he muttered under his breath before looking frantically around the dark bathroom. He couldn't see anything; it was like his eyes were permanently closed. Moving his hands aimlessly, he started to feel his way out. It took a while before he had found the exit. Outside the extreme blackness of the bathroom, the halls were dimly lit, and he was able to see well. He was about to go to the library when Angel's voice hit his ears.  
  
"Xander."  
  
He turned around to find Angel standing in the hall way, unharmed and looking spiffy as always.   
  
"Angel." He wanted to ask where he had been. Were there bruises covered under his clothes? Did he see Buffy? Did they make out? Irrational jealousy and fear for Angel's wellbeing seeped inside him and all he could manage to keep the nonchalant was swallowing down forming saliva.   
  
"What's up with the lights?" Angel approached him, his expression a little distraught, which wasn't something new.   
  
"I don't know. Listen, I think I have an idea." Best way to avoid embarrassing himself was talking business. He tried to slow down his heartbeats unsuccessfully, seeing as it was the first time he and Angel were alone since the time they had gone to get the plant and cure Willow.   
  
"I need to talk to you." Angel dismissed his comment as if it was never said. He stood right in front of Xander, not meeting his eyes, appearing anxious and fidgeting a little.   
  
Xander frowned. "Something wrong?"  
  
With a haunted, tragic gaze, Angel looked at him. "I broke up with Buffy."  
  
Xander's mouth parted slightly at that, his eyes blinked for seconds. He looked up at Angel with incomprehension. "You… did."   
  
Angel nodded, his gaze darting away from Xander to the floor again. His body language poured guilt and anxiety.   
  
Xander could feel his heartbeat speed up more if that was even possible, and his palms got suddenly sweaty. "Why?" he whispered. Of all the scenarios he had ever imagined to happen between him and Angel, and they were all sex-based, he never pictured them occurring because of a break up between Buffy and Angel. He had thought of threesomes and pity sex due to a fight with Buffy, but never a break up. Buffy and Angel were the living picture of fairytale romance, how was it possible to think of them being over for good?   
  
"Something was missing… I didn't…" Angel couldn't finish that sentence, but then he did the unthinkable; he actually leaned to kiss Xander.   
  
Uncontrollably, Xander pushed Angel away before their lips touched and stepped back with wide eyes.   
  
"I…"  
  
"What the hell was that?" Xander felt himself getting a little angry for unknown reason.  
  
"I've been… intimate with Buffy last night," Angel said with difficulty. Xander's mouth dropped open. Why on earth was Angel talking to him about having sex with Buffy?  
  
"It wasn't…" Angel appeared unable to meet Xander's eyes, which was probably because he was talking about having sex with Buffy to her  _best friend._    
  
"Why are you telling me this?"   
  
Seeming to gather up his courage, Angel looked up at him. "There was more passion when it was you, Xander."  
  
Xander's eyebrows furrowed. "What?" Did that mean that Angel and Buffy had never had sex before yesterday? Was that Angel's present for Buffy on her birthday? And did he just say that there was more passion when he was with  _Xander_?   
  
"The whole thing made me realize that… it was supposed to be magical with Buffy. It was supposed to be the best night of my life. But then, it wasn't." Anguish flared briefly in Angel's gaze. "There was more fire with you. It made me rethink that maybe I'm not in love with Buffy." His eyes focused on Xander without saying anything further.   
  
Xander's mouth opened then closed again, unsure if he heard the implication behind Angel's words right or if this was another dream of his. He pinched his cheek for confirmation, but Angel was still there, looking at him with eyes filled with extra melancholy than usual. Should he be happy when Angel looked pained and upset? That should have been an insult, but then he did look like this with Buffy. It was probably part of his big hunk charm to lure teenage girls, and in this case, one teenage guy.   
  
But, the whole thing smelled of ridiculous, a parody coming to life… was it Halloween again? Angel must be wearing George Michael's clothes underneath his usual outfit.   
  
"Don't you have anything to say?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "I don't believe this."  
  
Angel eyed him without uttering a word.  
  
"Are you under some sort of spell or something? Because there's no way…" an incredulous laugh escaped Xander's mouth, breaking off the sentence, and then he settled for staring at Angel with disbelief. This was so out of the blue for his understanding. Angel had always been too into Buffy, so now what, she wasn't good in the sack, and he decided he was in love with Xander?   
  
"There's no spell, Xander." Angel approached him, placing a hand on Xander's cheek. Xander stared warily at the large, cool hand, uncertain how to react to this unfamiliar, gentle gesture. "Don't you remember that night when we were together? The passion, the fire, that wasn't just sex."  
  
Xander remembered the brutal animal sex, which was like nothing he had ever imagined in his life. Not even in that erotic sex scene he'd watched in the porno movie that he'd stolen from his father's "sports" video collection. With Angel, it had been rough, passionate, and exotic, and Xander liked it a lot. By the end, when Angel had gone inside of him… no wonder Xander had lost it so quickly, but Angel hadn't stopped. He kept jamming into him sending waves of pleasure Xander had never thought a guy could still feel after he'd arrived, and then when Angel had released inside him, Xander had literally passed out.   
  
He bit his lip when he felt himself getting hard and wanted to shake his erection into flaccidity.  
  
Angel smiled softly, noticing his hard on. "You do remember."  
  
Xander shook Angel's hand away from cheek and looked stubbornly at him. "Yeah, but…" He wasn't sure what to say. All of this felt wrong and unlikely. Something was going on. Angel would never choose him over Buffy.  
  
A small, tender smile formed on Angel's lips that oozed of eerie vibe. "But what?"  
  
"It's Buffy," Xander said the most logical explanation that sprout into his mind. He gave a small anxious laugh, looking hesitant at Angel.   
  
"Do you still want Buffy? Like you used to?"   
  
Being in love with Buffy was definitely more natural than being into an old vampire with a past of murder and mayhem. But as much as he longed for his old crush on her, she hadn't been the one dominating his dirty, wet dreams lately.   
  
When he didn't answer, Angel pushed, "It's me now, right? You want me."   
  
Xander's breaths came out as fast as his heartbeats went, still he couldn't form words.  
  
"I'm over Buffy, too," Angel whispered, his face coming closer to Xander's, and then a set of lips were on his. Xander couldn't bring himself to push Angel away, especially when Angel's tongue started to wet his dry lips. Xander breathed heavily into the kiss and allowed his lips to part, tentatively inviting Angel's tongue in. The kiss started with slow, gentle sucking on the tongues and then it began to grow more fervent and wild. Xander's hands clutched Angel's shoulders for balance, and he dove into the kiss.   
  
He was still confused over the turn of events, and wasn't sure if he should feel bad for Buffy or happy for himself. Angel actually wanted him, which was still so hard to believe. It was also scary and unsettling, how was he supposed to react to this? Obviously, he was reacting with lips and tongue right now, but what would happen after the kissing was over? Would there be a… relationship? Could he actually get out of the closet and go all Will and Grace with Angel? While he was attracted to Angel, emotionally and physically, he'd never had a civil conversation with him. They were always at each other's throat, didn't seem to have much in common, and rarely smiled at each other. What they had shared in the past was too mild, only happened because Angel and Buffy’s relationship had hit a rough patch, and for Xander it was mostly about discovering his sexual orientation. It wasn't about deep emotions or love, all that came afterwards for him.   
  
Maybe it was better to keep their thing a secret. After all, Buffy would be hurting over her break up with Angel, and he didn't need to rub it in her face that Angel found him more satisfying in bed. And the whole coming out thing was not an option at the moment. The closet seemed like the safest and sanest solution for a high school student.   
  
Xander groaned when Angel started to nibble on his bottom lip and felt his erection growing harder. He rubbed himself against Angel's body, and his hands slid down from Angel's shoulders to his arms. He pushed his groin against Angel's, wanting to feel how hot and bothered he was for Xander. He slammed against nothing, so he repeated the action one more time, and he was still met with nothing.   
  
Tensing a little, Xander broke off the kiss and looked down at Angel's pants. There was no erection. He looked up, confused, and then his eyes landed on brown ones that contained nothing but disdain and ridicule.   
  
"Angel?" he said, feeling panic growing inside him.  
  
The answer he received was a cruel smirk.   
  
"This is impossible."  
  
Xander's heart dropped when he heard Willow's shocked voice. He looked to his left to find Willow standing by the end of the hall, hurt and startled. "I… you and Angel? What…"   
  
"He's not Angel anymore." Xander turned quickly to his right where Buffy stood, arms crossed, and a solid face in place. Her gaze avoided Xander and was fixed on Angel.   
  
"Wrong," Angel said, sounding scorn and malice, and not a bit like himself at all. "I  _am_ Angel. At last."  
  
Confusion and dread leaked out of Xander over what was going on. Angel's change in behavior, his non-reaction to their kissing, Buffy and Willow witnessing his big gay show, Willow's heartbreaking gaze, Buffy's angry one and Xander's hands still on Angel's arms. He pulled them away hastily.   
  
Angel looked at the three of them with a satisfied gleam in his eyes, and his lips twisted up at the corners. "Poor children, how does it feel like having your little hearts smashed like that?" He looked at Buffy, who struggled to keep her strong face on. Then he looked at Willow, who still gazed at Xander with a betrayed expression on her face. Eventually, his gaze ended on Xander, and his smirk grew bigger. "You think Angel will ever look at you twice with…." He glanced at Buffy with wolfish desire, "the slayer all over him?"   
  
Xander's whole body froze in comprehension. Angel didn't break up with Buffy –or he did, considering the air of tension around them at this second- and he definitely wasn't falling in love with Xander. In fact, he felt nothing toward Xander, except for pity and derision.   
  
Angel returned his gaze to Xander and looked at him expectedly, as if he was waiting for Xander's response. "That's not a hard question to answer." His gaze flickered downward with mischief. "Speaking of hard…"   
  
He grabbed Xander's erection with his hand and squeezed painfully. Xander gasped at the sudden move and life sprung inside him again. Angry, he shoved Angel's hand away from him. "Get off of me, asshole."  
  
Angel's eyebrows shot up with teasing shock. "I thought you wanted me." He looked down at Xander's hard on. "It's obvious how much I turn you on." With a sly gaze, he placed a hand behind Xander's neck. "And I can make it even harder." He grabbed Xander's head and smacked their lips together. Xander tried his best to resist Angel's tongue that violently attempted to get into his mouth, but eventually all tries failed and Xander gave in. Once Angel's succeeded entering Xander's mouth, he pulled away and threw Xander to the cold floor.   
  
He walked toward Buffy, grabbing her and kissing her as well. Xander's heart squeezed when Angel moaned loudly into Buffy's mouth. Ending the kiss, he looked at Xander with ridicule. "Doesn't even compare." He pointed at his growing erection, and then tossed Buffy's unresponsive body to the floor.   
  
"Buffy!" Willow ran past Xander toward Buffy and grabbed her into a hug while looking at Angel with bewilderment and resentment.  
  
Angel's eyes only stared Xander's down before he left with grace and satisfaction. Xander glanced at his friends huddled together on the floor. Willow tried to comfort Buffy with gentle touches and tender words, but Buffy's expression remained lifeless. Xander swallowed thickly at the scene, his heart squeezing even more when none of his friends bothered to even  _look_  at him.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
"And we're absolutely certain that… that Angel has reverted to his former self?" Giles paced around the library, appearing pessimistically nervous.  
  
"Yeah, uh, we're all certain. Anyone not feeling certain here?" Xander muttered under his breath, not really comprehending the words he just said, just setting free some of the roaring fury inside of him. He stared down at his hands, trying to avoid Buffy and Willow's piercing gazes on the opposite side of the library table.   
  
He was beyond rage, wishing to go out and kick something or even someone. Angel had played him, fooled with Xander's pathetic feelings, making him believe what he stupidly wanted to believe. Somewhere in a dark, filthy, vampire-occupied place, Angel must be laughing his ass off at him. He must be telling his vampire buddies about the idiot who acted like a little schoolgirl with a crush. Maybe he went back to the frat house and got that giant bra and the wig, wrapped them as a gift and sent them to Xander's house.   
  
Xander's fingers dug deep into his black slacks, thinking of numerous ways to get back at the asshole. He could possibly go to Angel's apartment once the latter was asleep, steal all his clothes, and replace them with a colored, clownish outfit. Maybe draw something embarrassing on his face with permanent marker, it wasn't like he could ever see it, and it would be satisfying to see his confused expression to people laughing at him and making jokes on his expense.   
  
The conversation kept going on around him while he sat unaware, too caught up with ideas to make Angel pay.   
  
"It's just that things are bad enough with the Judge here. Angel crossing over to the other side... I-I-I wasn't prepared for that," Giles said with apprehension.  
  
"None of us were," Miss Calendar said softly.  
  
Xander's fingers almost ripped his pants. He wanted to block what had happened a while ago from his memory. Angel had just mortified him beyond belief in front of Buffy and Willow, rubbing Xander's feelings and attraction toward him in his face mercilessly. He never thought Angel was capable of doing something as nasty. The desire to disappear or just drop dead never faded since they were still in the hall.   
  
After Angel had left, Xander hadn't been able to leave his spot on the floor, incapable of looking up at Buffy and Willow and witness the disgust and disappointment in their faces. After the extreme humiliation he had just received, it didn't matter anymore if they knew about him joining the gay parade. Buffy and Willow hadn't looked at him once, though. They had helped each other up and walked silently to the library without asking him to tag along. It was as if he didn't even exist.   
  
"Are you okay?" He heard Willow whisper, and looked up thinking she was talking to him. She wasn't looking at him, her question was directed to Buffy. His anger dissipated at that, leaving him deflated when he remembered the looks they were casting him once they were inside the library. He could see why they were ignoring him and glaring at him, yet it was still unfair. Apparently, he shouldn't expect any comfort from them at this point, because for some reason, his attraction to Angel meant that he had 'betrayed' them. Whatever, he didn't want their pity. It would have only hurt his pride more than it already was.   
  
Buffy shook her head at Willow's question, sadly gazing at a ring on her finger.  
  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
  
Buffy shook her head again. "I should've known. When I saw him at the house, he was different. The things he said..."  
  
"What things?" Giles interrupted.   
  
"It's private."   
  
"But you didn't know he had turned bad?" Miss Calendar asked.  
  
Suddenly, Xander's brain cells started to work and grasp the meaning behind sentences he previously didn't care to understand.  _He's not Angel anymore. Angel has reverted to his former self. Angel crossing over to the other side._    
  
He looked up at Buffy with shock. "You mean Angel returned to his old roots?"  
  
Buffy took no notice of him and resumed playing with her ring silently. Xander wanted to jerk the table from frustration. Didn't she witness his big moment of shame earlier? What did it matter that he was attracted to Angel, obviously the vamp didn't fancy him, and apparently he wasn't the Angel they knew when he had kissed Xander. So, there was no need to treat Xander like the scum of the earth.   
  
"Yes, Angel reverted to his old ways. Keep up, Xander," Giles said, aggravated.   
  
Xander directed his anger toward him. "According to the test I took when I was seven, I'm slow. So, deal with it."   
  
Giles ignored him as he sat on the table. "If only we knew how it happened."  
  
Buffy looked at him, and Xander just noticed the tear line on her cheek. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, something set it off. Some, some, uh, event must've triggered his transformation. Well, if anyone would know, Buffy, it-it should be you."  
  
Buffy looked down, miserable. "I don't."  
  
"Well, did anything happen last night that, that might..."  
  
"Giles, please, I can't." She jumped off her seat and headed to the door.  
  
Xander frowned, his memory brought back sentences he did hear and understand. Angel had mentioned having sex with Buffy and not enjoying it, and Buffy had mentioned that Angel said some bad things to her. When Giles had asked about them, she said they were private and now she was unwilling to share anything, because she knew it was their sex. It must have been too terrible that it set Angel off somehow.   
  
"Buffy," he called after her and was surprised she actually stopped before she walked out of the library. The cold shoulder act was finally dropped. "Angel told me."  
  
She looked at him over her shoulder with furrowed eyebrows.   
  
Xander considered if it was wise to tell her this in front of everybody else, but what were the chances she would acknowledge him again before Evil Angel did something awful to someone innocent. He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. "About the private thing. He told me."  
  
Buffy's body froze before her expression hardened. "He did?" she asked with tones that lacked feeling.   
  
Xander nodded.   
  
She turned and folded her arms across her chest. "Now that's something. Not only do you enjoy locking lips with my boyfriend, but you also ask about our private relationship?"  
  
Xander blinked in shock at first before he glared at her. "I didn't…"  
  
"And all that hate crap you used push down our throats, it was just an attempt to hide your repressed crush on Angel, right?" Her eyes screamed resentment and exasperation. "It must have been killing you that he likes me."   
  
Blood suffused the skin of Xander's face and throat; his pulse throbbed at his neck. "'Like' wasn't the word he used when he described your sexual encounter yesterday."   
  
Willow gasped his name in offense and Giles cleared his throat.  
  
The thin line of Buffy's lips trembled a little, but she didn't change her solid stance.   
  
"Can I say something?" Miss Calendar interrupted the tension-filled atmosphere.   
  
Giles cleared his throat again and cleaned his glasses. "Uh, yes, Jenny, do tell." He placed his glasses back on, and looked at his girlfriend, his eyes pleading her to talk. "Please?"   
  
"I figured it out." Everybody looked at her at that. She stared at Buffy apologetically. "I know you won't like what you hear, and you may hate me for it… but…"  
  
Buffy frowned at her. "Did you know this was gonna happen?"  
  
Everybody's eyes looked at Buffy in shock. How could Miss Calendar know? Xander thought, confused. He looked back at his computer teacher and noted her edginess.   
  
"I didn't know... exactly. I was told... oh, God. I was sent here to watch you. They told me to keep you and Angel apart. They never told me what would happen."   
  
"Jenny," Giles exclaimed in the shock and surprise Xander felt inside. Willow stood up and clutched her shirt in the place where her heart was.  
  
"I'm sorry, Rupert. Angel was supposed to pay for what he did to my people."  
  
"And me?" Buffy asked. "What was I supposed to be paying for?"  
  
"I didn't know what would happen until after. I swear I would've told you."  
  
"So it was me. I did it."  
  
"I think so. The curse. If Angel achieved true happiness, even just a moment of it, he would lose his soul."  
  
All that information sank into Xander's brain like falling building bricks. So, Angel's time with Buffy wasn't lousy after all, in fact, it was the opposite of that. It was the moment of true happiness. His sex with Xander didn't set his soul flying with happiness.  _Their_ encounter had been the lousy one.   
  
He grimaced at his petty thoughts and growing jealousy and distracted himself from his immaturity by being useful. He looked at everybody with their downcast faces.  
  
"I have a plan."   
  
Now everybody looked at him, glad to be back to business.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander tapped his pencil on the desk, not really reading the questions on his exam paper. His mind wandered to other places that didn't involve American literature. He glanced at Buffy and Willow who were sitting at the front of the row. His relationship with his best friends was still on shaky ground. He had tried talking to Willow but she always had an excuse ready so they wouldn't have a chance to talk. The past two weeks had been so rough with his best friends hating him and not talking to him, especially Willow. They always had their nightly chats on the phone. Lately, Xander's nights were spent staring longingly at his quiet phone and trying to finish the same comic book he had been reading for days.   
  
He wondered if things wouldn't have gone this badly if he had told Buffy and Willow the truth from the beginning. The truth about him being gay, NOT the truth about him having a hard on for Angel. He'd actually been confused; because he wasn't sure it was him being gay as much as him fancying Angel. He'd never really thought of any guy as hot and sexy, it had always been the son of bitch. So, he kept his mouth shut about it, and prayed that one day he would get over the Angel fascination and get back to ogling all the wrong girls he couldn’t have.  
  
Nothing ever went smoothly for him, though. He was doomed to have a life full of humiliation and disappointment. Buffy and Willow had to find out about his gayness and crush on Angel in the worst way possible, and as a result they had ditched Xander for God knew how long.   
  
Still, his estrangement with Buffy and Willow wasn't the only thing that made his heart twinge. What Angel had done to him still disturbed him deeply, causing him to have many sleepless nights. It didn't matter if Angel was evil when he did what he did, the result was still the same. Xander didn't turn Angel on, he was and had always been nothing to Angel. That time they had sex in Angel's apartment was amazing to Xander, but to Angel, it must have been a drag or a chore. Buffy was the one Angel wanted, she was the one who gave him the moment of perfect happiness. Images started roaming in his mind of Angel touching Buffy's soft body, enjoying the silky skin, the female body parts, and her moans that mingled with Angel's groans as she enjoyed his touches and kisses, and the feel of him inside of her. The unwanted images swam inside his head like sharks.   
  
Xander broke his pencil in half, shaking away those images. It was all messed up. If only he could get rid of those pathetic feelings he had for Angel, things would be a lot easier for him. He could actually be happy again and get his old life back. Perhaps then Buffy and Willow would forgive him.   
  
The bell suddenly rang, startling Xander a little. He glanced down at his paper that contained unanswered questions. Shit.  
  
"Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving me a paper is looking at a failing grade," Ms. Beakman warned.  
  
Xander sighed. Giving her his paper or not, he would still get an F. He stood up with his paper in his hands.   
  
Willow stepped down the aisle and stopped next to Amy. "Hey, Amy."  
  
Amy pulled her backpack. "Hey. Are you guys going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's gonna be a lot of fun."  
  
Willow turned to look at Buffy with a huge smile on her face.  
  
"Go ahead," Buffy said. "You know you wanna say it."  
  
Willow faced Amy again, grinning broadly. "My boyfriend's in the band!"  
  
Amy smiled and laughed. "Cool."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I think you've now told everybody," she said to Willow.  
  
"Only in this hemisphere," Willow replied, smiling.  
  
Xander watched them with unease bitterness. Willow and Oz had been going steady for a week now, even though they had discovered that Oz was a werewolf. It didn't matter what Xander thought about it, because Willow never cared to hear his opinion or even let him know about her Valentine's plans. He missed being part of her life. She had been his best friend for so long, and not talking to him for a couple of weeks was too much for him to take.   
  
Amy looked at Buffy. "What about you?"  
  
Buffy waved her off. "Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate."  
  
"Bad breakup, huh?"  
  
Buffy cast Xander a fleeting look, making him want to sink back in his chair and try his hardest to be invisible. "Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'."  
  
She and Willow walked to the teacher's desk, and handed her their papers. They left the classroom without sparing a single glance at him. It wasn't like he wasn't used to it by now. It still hurt, nonetheless.  
  
He made his way down the aisle behind Amy, thinking of where he was going to eat lunch today. Yesterday's choice of place was out of the question, then again, who ate lunch alone on the bleachers on an occupied school's football field? There was no way he was going to have another talk about the joys of being out with Larry. Xander didn't have the courage to come out and he definitely didn't have Larry's jock-ness to use to his advantage.   
  
Amy stood in front of Ms. Beakman and they stared at each other for a while. The teacher's gaze was blank and weird; Xander peered at Amy to see what kind of expression she had. Was she in trouble or something? Amy concentrated on staring into the teacher's eyes, and for a long time no words were exchanged. A moment later, Ms. Beakman smiled at Amy and gestured as though she was accepting a paper from her. "Thank you, Amy."  
  
Amy smiled as well and started out of the classroom. Xander came up to the desk, staring open-mouthed after Amy and handed his paper in. He walked out of the class and kept eying Amy as she walked away. Like mother like daughter apparently.  
  
A smile started to blossom on his lips while watching his  _savior_  go down the stairs. He couldn't wait until the old Xander came back.   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander tossed his empty cheese burger box to the trashcan, but it hit the rim and bounced off. He glanced at Giles standing across from him in the library. His librarian friend was too engrossed in the book he was reading to notice, his McDonalds meal sat beside him untouched. Everyone else looked as busy as Giles. The Angel-going- evil thing had gotten way out of hand, especially when he'd killed Miss Calendar two days ago. Giles had gone after Angel, seeking revenge, but had only accomplished burning down the warehouse, leaving Angel and his followers homeless. They probably found another warehouse by now.   
  
Buffy was more intense than ever, reassuring them all that she was ready to kill Angel now after all her failed attempts. Although, it was obvious that she still loved him and it was still difficult for her.   
  
Xander was as conflicted about killing Angel as Buffy, which made him disgusted with himself. He should be thinking of ways to end his existence, not imagining the day when Angel would come to his senses and return into the same old gloomy yet soulful vampire. Xander turned his attention to his soda and touched the top of his chewed straw with his index finger. Last week, he had gotten Amy to agree to doing a de-lusting spell for him, using the fact that she had hypnotized Ms. Beakman as blackmail. Yesterday, she'd finally contacted him with the news that she had found all the ingredients she needed to perform the spell, and they had done the whole abracadabra thing at night. He'd had high hopes that he would wake up today feeling nothing for Angel, but unfortunately, he was still harboring a major jones for the crazy maniac.   
  
He placed his lips on the straw and sucked. The rush of cold, gas-filled soda into his dry throat brought him to life at once, and he optimistically thought that the spell probably needed more time to kick in.   
  
"Xander?"  
  
He looked up at Willow, who forced a smile on her lips, holding her soda with her right hand.   
  
Xander shifted his gaze away from her. "What do you want?" he muttered. Last night, she had finally answered one of his million phone calls, only to hang up on him. It was the moment when he just had it. He wanted to grovel, but they wouldn't let him, and honestly, he had done nothing to grovel about. He couldn't help being gay for Angel, and he was trying to get rid of the feelings, except Willow didn't know that, but how could she when she never let him say a word to her.   
  
"About last night," Willow started nervously, looking slightly ashamed. That was interesting.   
  
Xander opened the plastic lid of his soda cup and returned the straw inside. Going for blasé was what she deserved after ignoring him for so long.   
  
"It was rude… hanging up on someone… I…"  
  
He used his straw to play with the melting ice cubes in his glass. "Uh-huh?" Was she going to apologize? Would that be the first step of them getting their friendship back?  
  
Suddenly, the library doors swung open, revealing a smirking Angel. Xander stood up abruptly, scraping his chair against the floor. He hadn't seen Angel since that wretched night in the school's hallway, and all plans to get back at him for what he had done vanished at the sight of his evil face. Willow inched closer to him, and he pushed her behind his back, forgetting the bad blood between them completely.   
  
Buffy stepped ahead toward the bloodsucker and crossed her arms in defense. Xander waited for a pun or an equivalent of tough talk, but Buffy stayed silent. He supposed she was as troubled by Angel's presence as Xander, perhaps even more.   
  
Angel's eyes scanned the library, going from Giles to Buffy to Willow and then landing on him. His eyes flashed yellow for a brief second, and his smirk increased in a way that made Xander almost take a step backward if it wasn't for Willow standing right behind him.   
  
Then, in a flash, Xander found himself held against a solid chest in a tight grip. He looked at the troubled faces of his friends, still comprehending what had just happened. Xander glanced down at the leather clad arm crossing his chest and the large hand that had a firm hold on his arm. A cool nose roamed between the strands of Xander's hair and a soft sigh escaped the lips ghosting his ear. Xander panicked once he realized he was captured, and his sense of panic increased when he felt the hard length of Angel's body against his lower back.  
  
Buffy was the first to snap out of her shock. "Let him go," she demanded, reaching for the stake hidden under her shirt.   
  
Angel let out a low chuckle, his lips curved into a grin against the back of Xander's ear. "I know you're jealous, sweet-cheeks." He turned to look at Buffy, and Xander could only see a defined jaw with the corner of his eyes. "Seeing as I'm over you." His grip on Xander tightened. "Now if you excuse me, got me a special night planned for my boy here."  
  
And like the first flash of speed, Xander found himself dragged out of the library, seeing nothing but several objects fleeting before his eyes, unable to recognize them.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

His chest was heaving when Angel slowed down, still clutched in the strong arms. The sudden change from lightening speed to mere walking made him throw up his McDonalds' lunch on Angel's boots. A low chuckle rung in his dull ears. "Messy little thing, aren't you?"   
  
Xander wiped his chin with the back of his hand, feeling his head throb. His legs swayed feebly, unable to hold him up. Angel still held him firmly to his body as he made his way further inside some sort of a mansion Xander had never seen. It was hard to make it out due to the fog surrounding his vision, making the shapes hazy and unrecognizable.   
  
Different voices rattled around him, they sounded familiar but he was too woozy to make them out. His vision was still a little fussy and he was about to throw up again. Angel growled low in his throat, and Xander hoped that growl wasn't aimed at him. He heard Spike's scornful voice followed by a laugh from both him and Drusilla. Angel's growl this time sounded like Mufasa's when he had scared the hyenas that were ridiculing Simba. The laughter had stopped, and so was the mistiness troubling his vision. He blinked his eyes for seconds and was able to make out a broken window in the corner. He searched the creepy place for Spike and Drusilla and almost jumped when the latter was right in front him. She cooed and danced slightly, and then long nailed fingers reached up to touch his face. He was jerked behind Angel's back and Drusilla was rewarded with a cruel snarl that sent her flying to Spike's side. She did a pathetic kitty meow and hid behind Spike's wheelchair.   
  
Spike shook his head in disgust. "You're not serious, mate?"  
  
"I am. If you even step an inch toward him, those legs won't be the only useless limbs in your body."  
  
"Don't much fancy that boy of yours after he kicked me in the knockers…"  
  
Xander's headache and dry heaves returned, distracting him from the conversation. He gazed at the floor with longing, wishing that Angel would let go of him so he could lie down a little. Out of the blue, he felt himself being dragged away into another room. His gaze was down, still looking at the floor, and then he noted Angel going down a four-step stairs. Looking up, his heart started to thud in fear at the sight of a canopy bed that featured posts at each of the four corners extending four feet high or more above the mattress with white fabric draped across the upper space between the posts.   
  
Xander was dropped on the floor without warning. The freezing floor against his cheek didn't do a thing to lessen his sharp headache, yet despite his situation, his eyes fell close, demanding sleep. A grip on his shirt, pulling him up, disturbed his attempt to doze off. Angel tried to get him to stand steadily without success, and then he was flung on the top of beige bedding. The bed made a cracking sound as he bounced a little in reflex. Lying down was much more comfortable now and drifting to sleep was easier, but then Angel's large hands started yanking his clothes off.   
  
"What are you…" Xander exclaimed, watching the pieces of his clothes being tossed one after another to the floor.   
  
He jumped slightly when Spike broke into another ridiculing laugh, and looked toward the entrance. Spike and Drusilla were on the top step of the stairs looking down at his naked body. His head felt like ants were crawling inside it, and his ears could only make out a few words he couldn't figure out. It was their eyes staring at him like he was some kind of naked stone statue guy in a museum that made him shake with fear and shame.   
  
This time he was grateful for Angel's chilling roar that had the two vampires flee out of the room, their laughs still echoing the place. Xander turned his gaze to Angel, his heart jack hammered in his chest. Brown eyes filled with possessive desire gazed down at him. Angel never looked at him this way, not even in Xander's wildest dreams.   
  
"It's strange," Angel said in a husky voice, one large hand touching Xander's chest and circling his left nipple. "It's like I woke up from a dream." He started to nuzzle on Xander's nipples like a large cat.   
  
Xander almost had a nervous breakdown. He didn't understand what the hell was going on, but asking Angel about it was a moot point. He knew what was about to happen, though, and he wasn't sure he was going to like it.   
  
"Is… is this a way to hurt Buffy?" Xander stuttered. "Make her think you want me?"  
  
"Oh, I want you. Buffy, well, she's just a shadow now."   
  
Since when? Xander wanted to ask if Angel hadn't launched at his mouth, going for a bruising kiss. Fangs started tearing Xander's lips, violently demanding an entrance to his mouth. Fear and pain shot into him and made him force his bleeding lips shut.   
  
Angel looked at him with his vampire face on. "Open you mouth."  
  
Xander shook his head in terror. He didn't want to lose his tongue, didn't want this kiss. Angel didn't repeat his order, but his yellow eyes threatened to hurt Xander beyond repair if he didn't obey.   
  
"When did the s-sudden appeal start?"   
  
Angel's face was expressionless; he moved slightly to rub his nose on Xander's cheek and then started to suck on his earlobe before his lips hovered against Xander's ear. "This morning," he answered. "I couldn't wait 'til sunset to…" Angel let the sentence hang with a meaningful leer and pinched Xander's nipple hard for emphasis.   
  
Xander's breath came out in fretful gasps. Either Amy had played him or her spell had backfired, causing Angel to have twisted, vampire-type, unreal feelings for him.   
  
"Oh God." He started to panic, shivering uncontrollably under the undead freak.  
  
After another long bruising kiss, Angel left the bed and started to undress himself. Xander seized the opportunity and tried to make a run for it. A large hand grabbed his arm and swung him toward the bed. Xander jumped to his feet again, but Angel backhanded him. The crack of his hand against Xander's jaw sounded incredibly loud in the room. Xander's head rocked back from the force of the blow and he landed on the bed again. Before he had the chance to move, Angel grabbed him by the neck and forced him to the mattress. His vampire face stared him down, demanding him to stay put. Xander's body obeyed with fear.   
  
Angel went on to undress himself, and Xander remained lying in bed, too scared to reach up with his fingers and touch his sore jaw.   
  
Angel took forever to get naked, slowly unbuttoning his shirt with uncharacteristic refinement, as if he was too confidant that Xander wouldn't attempt to run off again. Xander's muscles knotted across his shoulders and his gut twisted as he waited. He was in this position before with his insect teacher last year; however, he didn't dare to scream for help like he had done back then. Something inside him told him that Buffy would find him if he screamed, but then he remembered the cold and disgusted looks as well as the silent treatment he'd been receiving for a while. A huge lump rose in his throat at the thought of Buffy abandoning him. Instead of bursting through the door to save him like last year, she'd probably leave him to get raped tonight.   
  
Angel turned around, his naked body shadowed under the dim light. Xander's mouth dried and his heart throbbed wildly. He was going to get raped, and no one would even care.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
A finger tapped his cheek lightly, waking him up from his coma and sending shivers down his spine. Xander whimpered without control of him, knowing that Angel wanted one more round, which he wasn't in any condition ready for. Not that he had been in the last couple of times. The sex had been too violent, even the kissing had been torturous, he was glad he hadn't lost a tooth with the way Angel's fangs barged inside his mouth. The bruises stung in his body and his ribs felt broken. His nipples, shoulder, and opening were still bleeding.   
  
The tapping returned, and Xander turned his face away. He didn't care if he angered Angel, since soulless vampires in love were no different from soulless vampires who wanted him dead. He couldn't count the times he had yelled "No" and "Stop", but Angel didn't seem to listen, too caught up in the act. Whenever they finished, Angel would wipe his tears and tell him that he would get used to it with time. Xander was glad Angel wasn't the snuggling type of vamp; he couldn't imagine being hugged with all the bruises and broken bones.   
  
He was also glad for the fact that Angel was too possessive he didn't want anyone near Xander or watching the show. He had beat up Drusilla bloodily for just peeking, reminding her that Xander was his, and was never to be touched or looked at without his permission. There had been a disturbing tingle in Xander's chest when he'd heard that, which made him a disgusting freak of nature. Even the things Angel had said to him while banging into him about Xander never leaving his bed, keeping it warm for him until the day Angel was going to turn him. The promises of the two of them being together for eternity had made Xander shiver with excitement through the pain.   
  
Sick. Period. He was sick and perverted and twisted and someone who didn't deserve to _live._    
  
The finger tapped more, and Xander was relieved at the sense of fear that dominated him. At least, he didn't enjoy being raped. When the finger started to trace the line of his burning jaw, he realized it wasn't Angel's. He tried to force his numb eyes open, feeling the  _warm_  fingers on his neck as if checking for a pulse. His heavy eyelids started to rise, and he was greeted with a foggy vision. He blinked his eyes a little, trying to clear the view, and then Buffy's face appeared in front of him.   
  
His lips twisted up at the corners, and he was about to ask if she was real, but his throat felt too dry from hours of screaming in agony.  
  
Buffy's eyes were glistening at the edges, threatening to shoot tears, he figured he looked too messed up for her to handle. She placed a finger on her lips and nodded at the sleeping Angel. No words, he got it, which wasn't a problem considering the fact that he couldn't let any out at the moment. His gaze slid down from her face to her arms holding his clothes.   
  
Buffy poked him gently on the shoulder to get his attention, and then gestured toward the door. Time to escape as quiet as a mouse.   
  
He looked at his clothes again and tried to lift a hand to grab the dangling end of his boxers. Noticing his failed attempts, Buffy pulled his boxers out of his crumbled clothes. She held them above Xander, but didn't give them to him; instead she nodded toward the door with a determined expression that said 'You can wear your clothes when we get out.'   
  
Xander gestured stubbornly to his boxers. There was no way he would get out of these covers with his penis dangling in front of her. Buffy twisted her lips, throwing Angel a nervous glance, and then handing him his boxers. The pains and aches stung in Xander's arm when he raised his hand to hold the boxers. He jerked his chin to Buffy to turn around; she rolled her eyes, but did as he wanted. Taking his time putting them on, he struggled through the pain and tried not to shift a lot and wake the crazy vampire next to him. He could feel Buffy getting testy, fighting the urge to tap her foot on the floor in impatience.   
  
Later, he pulled on Buffy's shirt to let her know he was done. She turned around and reached out a hand to help him up. Taking it, he tried to lift himself up, but a sharp twinge shot through his whole body, and he hissed loudly. Frantically, he and Buffy looked at Angel, who twitched a little, but then went back to sleep. Xander bit his lip to imprison the sigh of relief, and looked at Buffy with helplessness.   
  
She frowned a little, considering what to do, and then handed Xander his clothes. He held them above his chest, trying not to get them to touch his bleeding nipples. Buffy ran an arm under his shoulders and another one under his knees, then scooped him up gently. Xander scrunched his eyes shut briefly at the burning pain of his bruises being touched, but remained silent.   
  
Buffy slipped carefully out of the room and tried her hardest to make him feel comfortable. Xander looked at her face, noting how still and hard it was, but knowing she wasn't that way on the inside. Her friend being kidnapped and raped by her ex would definitely stir different kinds of emotions conflicting with each other. Watching Buffy now made him admire her even more, she was the strongest among them all, and she would always be. He hated himself for being a jackass to her on so many occasions. She didn't deserve his shit, and he should be grateful she had put their differences aside and came to his rescue. Not that Xander wouldn't have gone to save her if she had been kissing his girlfriend behind his back… actually he would never hate her for lusting after his imaginary, hot girlfriend. If he would catch them kissing, he'd grab the first chair he'd see to watch the show.  
  
Once they got out of the mansion in frustrating silence, Xander let out a pained groan that mingled with Buffy's sigh of relief. She looked at him with a troubled expression. "Am I hurting you?" she whispered as if she didn't want to jinx their luck.   
  
"Any movement makes me hurt, so there's nothing we can do about it." He gave her a reassuring smile and shivered slightly at the cool breeze of the night.  
  
"Do you wanna wear your clothes?"  
  
"Yeah," he gritted out. "The whole naked thing makes me look ridiculous."  
  
Buffy laid him slowly on the grass, and he bit the insides of his cheeks when the edges of the grass rubbed against his wounds. Buffy helped him wear his shirt and pants before she tried carrying him again.   
  
He held out a hand to stop her. "No need for that. I'm gonna walk."  
  
"But…"  
  
"Please."  
  
She looked at him for seconds before nodding in understanding. She supported him with his arm over her shoulders, and helped him up. Xander winced when his damaged skin reacted to the movement. It felt impossible to walk when he ached so much, but he couldn't be carried like a little girl to the library. He had to bear the suffering and look like a man while doing it.   
  
Limping his way forward with Buffy's help, he glanced at his friend with hesitation. "Thank you," he said softly.  
  
Buffy arched an eyebrow. "You thought I'm gonna leave you there with the insane folk?"   
  
He didn't answer her.   
  
She stopped walking and looked at him, astonished. "Did you?"  
  
Xander sighed and directed his gaze downward. "I don't know. You've been avoiding me for weeks because of feelings I can't control, it's not…" he left the sentence hanging.  
  
The wounded look that flickered in her eyes made him regret what he said. However, he couldn't control the repressed hurt, anger and confusion that had willed inside him for the past three weeks. She needed to know how much she had hurt him.   
  
"Do you think petty stuff like that will make me leave you to die in a psychopath's hands?" Buffy asked, offended.   
  
He lowered his gaze again. "I'm sorry." It was ridiculous and insensitive of him to think that way about Buffy. He knew she'd never be that low, but after weeks of being neglected like old pair of socks, he couldn't help the building acidity inside of him.   
  
They resumed walking silently, hearing nothing but the gentle, cool breeze that ruffled the trees' leaves. "Besides," Buffy began all of a sudden. "I wasn't angry at you because you had feelings for him. That night before I caught you kissing in the hallway, I'd run into Angel in the house. He told me about you two having sex the night I'd gone out with Aaron. And then seeing you kissing him…. I was upset that you appeared so willing to go all the way with him when he'd just broken up with me." She looked at him with a sour expression. "It's like my feelings didn't count to you."  
  
Xander blinked his eyes, dazed. "Buffy…" he stopped, looking at her with genuine guilt and sorrow. That night he had sex with Angel, he'd never considered Buffy's feelings about this once she found out, and even when Angel pretended to be in love with him in the hallway, Xander was thinking about how their relationship would be like, barely thinking about Buffy's feelings regarding this. "I'm sorry. I was a jerk."  
  
Buffy forced a sad smile on her lips. "I'm sorry about ignoring you for so long."  
  
"Guess I deserved it."   
  
"No, I handled it all wrong. Should've just beat you up like a punching bag." Her smile was teasing, showing that she didn't mean what she said.   
  
Xander chuckled softly. "That would've made me suffer less. Is that what you want?"  
  
She lost her smile, still looking at him, but this time, her eyes showed nothing but regret. "I hate how things have been between us."  
  
"But it's over now." He glanced at her. "Right?"  
  
She bit her lip at his hesitant question, and her eyes became glassy once more. "If you weren't bleeding everywhere, I would've hugged you now."  
  
Xander smiled a little. "Ditto."   
  
Their smiles grew tenderer as they kept on walking, the night's breeze bringing a refreshing feeling of hope this time. Xander felt suddenly giddy to get back to the library and see Willow. He was thinking of having a movie night with his friends, commenting on the exaggerated acting and cliché plotlines while eating pizza. He longed for the nights of fun.   
  
"By the way, we figured out about Amy," Buffy said, snapping him out of thoughts of bad movies to watch.  
  
"Oh." He looked down, ashamed.  
  
"Yeah, before I went out to get you, she and Giles were working on breaking the spell. Thank God I got there in time before cupid left the mansion."  
  
A dreadful shiver ran into his body. Thoughts about what Angel would have done to him once the spell was broken raced through his head. He leaned closer toward Buffy, feeling safe and thrilled that she'd arrived in time.   
  
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander crossed his arms, wiggling slightly to get more comfortable in his chair at the hospital. He was sitting outside the waiting room across from the nurses' station that was down the hall from Buffy's room. His friend was seriously ill with the flu and needed to be admitted to the hospital. She'd been anxious to be discharged, thinking that wasting one night here would jeopardize another chance to kill Angel. She had been determined to defeat him after what he'd done to Xander.   
  
A soft smile played on his lips; he was touched to know how much he meant to her. That he was the one to stir the drive in her to seriously consider giving Angel a dusty ending. That gave him more reason not to leave her side now when she was vulnerable, knowing that Angel might make a visit seeing as this was a public building, which meant Angel did not need an invitation to get in.  
  
His eyes wandered around, gazing at the two police officers talking to a security guard. Good thing they were around, because if Angel showed up, Xander would have no chance of protecting Buffy by himself.   
  
A disturbing whistle rang into his ears and, suddenly, his heart beat faster.  _He_  was here. Xander looked to his right and spotted Angel walking in, bearing a bouquet of white flowers. He jumped up and stood in front of Angel, blocking his way. "Visiting hours are over," he said vehemently.   
  
Angel stopped whistling and smirked at him. "Well, I'm pretty much family."  
  
Xander tried his hardest to stay cool, his eyes not leaving the monster's face. "Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't."  
  
"If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?"  
  
"Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?"  
  
The smirk on those thin lips tightened. "Well, well, look at who'd gotten tough." He leaned closer to Xander's face, and Xander was about to take a step backwards, his insides still cringed at the sight of that face. "Last time I saw you, you were crying and begging for my mercy as I banged into your tight little hole."  
  
Xander's jaw twitched as he regarded Angel with hate and anger. He almost flinched when Angel got even closer. "How pathetic. Casting a love spell on me. Could've saved the headache telling me you were that desperate for my cock. I wouldn't mind giving pity fucks."  
  
Xander shook his head. "I didn't… it wasn't supposed…"  
  
Angel's lips were on Xander's, shutting him up. "Didn't know how desperate you are for my tongue," he spoke low against Xander's lips, and then, without warning, he grabbed Xander's head with the hand holding the flowers and violently pushed his tongue inside the resisting mouth. The bruising kiss was no less violent than the ones he'd given Xander at the mansion. Xander's hands shot up, trying to push Angel's strong body away from him, but Angel wouldn't budge.   
  
When Angel pulled away, Xander could feel the cuts on his lips and tongue. Angel still held him hostage with one arm, gazing down with amusement at Xander's stiff erection. A low ridiculing chuckle escaped his mouth. "Poor, little Xander. Are you still confusing me for  _that_  Angel?"  
  
Xander slid from under Angel's arm and stared him down. "There's no way I'd even consider comparing you two. You're nothing like him."  
  
Angel raised an eyebrow. "Because he was a real angel?"  
  
"He's much better than you."  
  
"Doubt it. He was as deceiving and manipulating as I am."  
  
"Right," Xander drawled.  
  
Angel's smirk became too evil for his comfort. "Why do you think he slept with you in the first place? Because of your irresistible charm? You're smarter than that, kiddo."  
  
He wasn't that stupid to believe that Angel had slept with him because he found him attractive. He had been having a fight with Buffy and she'd gone out with another guy. It seemed like a fair game to have sex with Xander, especially since Xander had initiated the whole thing. However, something in Angel's eyes at this second told Xander that there was something more to it, something terrible. "What do you mean?" he asked with hesitating curiosity.   
  
"For some weird reason, the idiot was intimidated by you. Thought he was gonna lose Buffy to you. When he figured out that you have a yen for him, he played on it." Angel's face got closer to his, but this time Xander was too stunned by what he was hearing to flinch away in fear. "The sexual torment and the sex were just a nasty little game to get your mind off Buffy and out of the supposedly existing triangle."  
  
Xander twisted his lips, heaving a breath to push down a flare of anger that suddenly burned painfully in his chest. "This is a lie. One stinking lie."   
  
"We share the same body, kid. I was there when he felt those things. Why else do you think he'd been avoiding you after that? He knew what he did to you was too appalling for his peaceful soul to take."  
  
Xander stared numbly at him, but didn't deny what the bastard was saying. The teasing grins Angel used to throw his way whenever he had gotten aroused around him. The way Angel used to purposely sigh and brush against him whenever he'd passed him by. The way he had been grinding against him in his kitchen  _pretending_  to untie him. The way he had been pressing Xander against his body when they had confronted Spike for the first time. That small kiss in the library, and lastly the sex. It wasn't much about pity as it was to prove Xander was a homosexual who should get a clue and stay away from Buffy.   
  
It had never been about helping Xander; it had all been about getting rid of him as a rival.  
  
"Aww, now I feel a guilty. Breaking the hero image you had for the old sucker." Angel pouted with mocking compassion at him.   
  
Xander looked up at him, his eyes glistening with hate and anger. The carrier of this face had shown him nothing but pain and misery. From the moment they had met, Angel had always been a big obstacle in the way of his happiness. Always putting Xander down, making him appear small and insignificant in front of everybody. And that wasn't enough, he had played with Xander's confused emotions to get his way, and once he had lost his soul, he had caused Xander more heartache than he could bear.   
  
He scowled at the cocky face with so much despise. "You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there."   
  
Angel slapped the flowers against Xander's chest. "Give these to Buffy, all right, little boy?" Xander didn't take the flowers, and they ending up falling on the floor. Angel gave Xander one final look and then went back through the waiting room to the elevator.   
  
Xander looked at his retreating back and then rubbed his eyes with frustration before the tears of ache and shame slid down his cheeks.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
So many things had happened in the past six months, the biggest among them was Buffy sending Angel to hell. That had caused her to flee out of Sunnydale for three months without a single phone call to reassure them she was alive and well. Tensions were high when Buffy had come back; almost all of the gang had been upset and hurt by her leaving the way she had. Then it was all sympathy because she had lost the love of her life.   
  
The misery didn’t last too long because for some reason, hell had spit Angel out and popped him back into their lives. He was supporting a soul and his usual broodiness just like before the evil Angel episode had happened.   
  
Everything was supposed to be fine and dandy after that, but it seemed that nothing was fine in the land of romance for Buffy and Angel. Obviously, they couldn't do more than kissing or the curse would be broken again and Angel would be back to playing his crazy mind games and killing innocent people. However, that wasn't the only problem their relationship had. Today at the library, Willow did her supportive best friend act and tried to get Buffy to talk about the problem.   
  
"Did he say anything? I, I, I mean, did he give you any clues? Something along the lines of 'Buffy, something is missing, and it's 'insert the missing something in the blank.''"  
  
Buffy looked miserably down at the table and didn't answer.  
  
"You know I can't help you unless you tell me what he said," Willow reasoned.   
  
Buffy lifted her eyes off the table and looked at Willow. "He said nothing, but…" she trailed off a little before Willow placed a comforting hand on her own, which gave her the courage to continue, "I sensed that he has issues… with me sending him to hell."  
  
Willow gasped. "That's not fair. You did what you had to do. There was no other way to save the world."  
  
"I think he understands that, but what can you expect from someone who's been tortured in hell for years?" Buffy nibbled on her lip. "He suffered for so long there doing nothing to deserve it. I sent him there, even though he'd gotten his soul back."  
  
"Buffy, you had to," Willow insisted.  
  
"He's been tortured. In hell. For so many years, because I sent him there." Buffy took her hand from Willow's and entangled her fingers together. "I can see why he'd resent me."  
  
All Willow could do was bite her lip and cast Buffy sympathizing stares, because there was nothing she could do to fix this problem.  
  
The only one who could was the other person sitting at their table. Xander rubbed his knuckles together; hating himself for the misery he'd caused Buffy. That day when Buffy had drove her sword into Angel's chest; Willow had sent Xander to Buffy to deliver a message from her. Willow had set her mind on restoring Angel's soul using the magic ingredients Jenny Calendar had saved on a floppy disk before she had been killed.   
  
Xander had gone to Buffy to do as Willow had instructed, but then the second he was about to mention Willow's message for Buffy, something had happened. The reassuring resolved face Buffy had been supporting had dissolved into a disturbing look of hope. Buffy was going to die and Angel would stay evil, destroying the world into nothingness. So, Xander had changed his mind… and lied, telling Buffy that Willow's message was a request for Buffy to kick Angel's ass. The reassuring resolved face was back on, and Buffy had marched into the mansion to kill Xander's rapist, leaving Xander to stare at her with a mixture of emotions, dominated by fear, relief and guilt.   
  
Angel would have been saved if Xander had told Buffy the truth. She wouldn't have had to kill him. Xander was the only one who knew that. The only one who could help Buffy out of this mess. He knew he owed her that.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
"Hey there, Master Splinter?" Xander arched his eyebrow at the sight of Angel sitting Indian style, his hands on his knees with palms up, and his eyes were closed as he mediated. Xander's lips curled up slightly in a forced smirk, standing by the door of Angel's mansion. It had taken him some seconds to prop up the courage to go in, given that this had been the place where he had been raped by a lovesick, under a spell, malevolence Angel. It wasn't easy to go in and act carefree, but it was necessary. For Buffy's sake.  
  
Angel looked at him over his bare shoulder, his expression a little wounded. Xander would have mistaken it for irritation at his unwelcome presence, but knew inside that it was guilt and shame. Angel had raped Xander, even though he had no soul at that time, and was under Amy's love spell. No excuse would justify the horribleness that had happened to Xander, especially from the King of Broodsville.   
  
Xander kicked the mansion's door behind him shut, taking away the sun's light and leaving the place in dimness. "Where's the policy of welcoming and greeting your visitors? Vampires leave their manners in the grave?"   
  
"What do you want?" Angel turned his head away from him, apparently unable to deal with looking directly at him at this point. Not like Xander was in any way ready for it either. He was also looking at the face of his rapist in the place he had been raped in.   
  
He made a show of checking out the place. He hadn't really paid attention to it the only two times he had been here. The last was when he'd saved Giles, and his eyes were solely focused on helping his friend that he'd looked at nothing else. "Looks pretty cozy without your family of evil psychos," he said. "And much cozier without the evil you." He looked down at Angel, and noted the flinch. Something inside Xander prickled with joy at that, he was glad he could hurt Angel after everything he'd done to him, especially before he'd lost his soul.   
  
Xander started to circle Angel's tensed form with his hands behind his back. "Do you still remember when you were evil? I mean, you've spent centuries in hell. I'm surprised you even remember us."  
  
"One hundred years," Angel said solemnly.   
  
Xander's eyebrows rose up. "You were able to count the years? Exactly how intensive their torture was?"  
  
Angel looked at him with a displeased frown. "It's not exactly one hundred…"  
  
"Seriously, all these years and it took you, what, a month to recover? That's too fast, even for a vampire."   
  
"Is there a point in all of this?" Angel asked, irritated.   
  
"I'm saying, this hell gig is obviously a piece of cake. If it were me, I'll probably get out scott free supporting a smile and plenty of Satan and Hitler gossip." He knew he was pissing Angel off, and knew it was not a good idea to piss off a vampire, especially one with the face of his rapist, but he couldn't stop going.   
  
Angel laughed. "You wouldn't be able to last a minute,  _boy_."  
  
"Hey now, just because I'm seventeen doesn’t mean I can't handle torture. I've got years of enduring bullying under my belt." He patted his chest with pride.   
  
Angel slapped his hands on his thighs, standing up and facing him. "Do you honestly believe that hell is anything like getting beat up by a larger kid?"  
  
Xander couldn't help taking a step backward when Angel's face was a few inches closer to him. In fear his visible edginess would be noticed, he quickly threw his arms in the air. "Then what was it like? Did they cut off your ear or something? 'Cause I see all your parts are still attached to your body. Unless it's a body part I can't see." With an uncontrolled, amused grin, Xander glanced at Angel's crotch.   
  
Angel took a deep breath and gave him his back, about to sit down again. "Looks like you're here to waste my time. Just…"  
  
Xander grabbed Angel's arm and spun him around to face him again. "After what you did, I'd like to know that you got one excruciating, permanently scarring punishment." He crossed his arms with a determined expression, surprised at his need to know that Angel had carried a scar from hell. The scars he had left inside of Xander were still stinging painfully.   
  
Annoyance and sorrow warred together in Angel's eyes. He pried his gaze away from Xander, studying his feet. "It wasn't me."  
  
"Right," Xander's voice held antipathy and hollowness. "'Cause you are the soul, and when the soul's gone, you're gone, too. So, the body belongs to him then, is that it?"  
  
Angel's hands clenched in fists by his sides, eyes still gazing down. "I've suffered for something I didn't do."  
  
"And you blame Buffy for that." Angel snapped his haunted gaze at him, his lips trembling slightly. Xander wasn't moved. "You deserved it. Long years of torture and pain, a small price to what you did to us."  
  
"He deserved it. Not me." Angel fidgeted a little as if wanting to distract himself with something, but not knowing what. "I just… I don't get why I got my soul back before Buffy… it's not…" He took an unneeded breath to calm himself before looking at Xander with a serious, understanding gaze. "Look, Buffy did what she had to do. She was a hero."  
  
Xander's jaw twitched. "Probably not."  
  
Angel frowned slightly. "What?"  
  
"Buffy did what she had to do because she didn't know all the facts." Xander's arms tightened around his torso, his fingers clutching the sides of his shirt. "Willow was trying to get your soul back by the time Buffy went to the mansion. She sent me to tell Buffy what she's up to, but I didn't deliver the message."  
  
Angel didn't say anything to that, but the hard glint that flashed across his eyes spoke volumes.   
  
" _I_  was the hero who sent your ass to hell." Xander's heartbeat sped up and his lips trembled slightly, but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop. He stepped closer to Angel, and their noses almost touched. "I just wish I was able to see it burn over and over for long centuries…"   
  
Suddenly, Xander found himself pushed backward until his back hit the wall. He looked up with a gasp, and almost reeled when Angel growled at him, his vampire features dominating. Strong hands clasped his arms in a death grip, holding them still by his sides, giving them no chance to flail.   
  
Xander's stomach churned in anticipation, Angel's demonic features tripping his heart rate up fast. He started to shiver and his palms began to sweat, Angel must have noticed that because the grip on his arms started to loosen and the golden eyes almost returned to brown.   
  
Xander forced the shaking to stop, a smile playing about his mouth. "Oh, boy. Just the thought of hell demons shoving their sticks up your ass makes me wish hell had front seats for…"   
  
The brown eyes flashed back to yellow and Xander's bones almost cracked when Angel tightened his hold on his arms. Then all of a sudden, the fangs Xander remembered so well were on his neck again. He jerked uncontrollably when pain shot throughout his body. Long cutting fangs sunk so low into his flesh, and he felt his blood being pulled from his veins. His heart hammered in his chest as he waited for the last rasp of struggled breaths. Spots from in front of his eyes and his vision darkened slightly. He found it harder to breathe, his limbs gave up and he felt himself hanging against Angel's body.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Sounds of peeping and wandering people greeted his dull ears as an aseptic smell filled his surrounding. He was lying down on a comfortable bed, feeling a needle on his arm. His eyes fluttered slightly before his eyelids lifted. All he could see was a white fog.   
  
"You're awake?"  
  
He turned his head to the other side where the voice had spoken, and Angel's solemn face was right in front of him. Xander looked at the room he was in, the glass window showed a bunch of doctors and nurses walking around with their charts. His gaze dropped to a tube hooked to his arm that was attached to a blood bag.   
  
"You got me to the hospital," he said hoarsely. "I thought I was going to die."  
  
"You'd love that, won't you, you little bastard?"  
  
Xander blinked at Angel in shock. "Huh?"  
  
Angel appeared angry, which should have frightened Xander, but it didn't. Somehow, it didn't look like a glare of a psychopath vampire ready to launch at his pray. It was more… disapproving and displeased. "You were pushing on my nerves, so I'd lose control and bite you to death," Angel's tone was very low and calm.   
  
Xander felt his heartbeat speeding, and he couldn't look away from the darkened features. "You… figured it out?"  
  
"Tell me, was that a plan to turn the others against me? Make them think I was him, and have Buffy run another sword into my chest?"  
  
Xander was speechless, confusion must have been written all over his face because Angel suddenly smiled. "I'm playing with you. You're pathetic, but you're not a jerk."  
  
Xander returned his smile with a small one. "You sure about that?"  
  
Angel chuckled but didn't say a thing. Xander looked down at the white sheet that went up to the middle of his chest, and then to the bag of blood on top.  
  
"Why did you want to die?"  
  
Xander closed his eyes, not wanting to discuss this, especially with Angel. It had been a stupid desire, a weak need for a final release, a cowardly move. Xander never considered offing himself before, he knew he was stronger and smarter than that. It was probably because he'd been inside the mansion again -alone with Angel- that had driven him to provoke the latter and get him to drain him to death.   
  
"Oh my God, Xander!" Willow's scared exclaim saved him from having the uncomfortable discussion. She rushed to his side, her fingers on his hair stroking gently. He smiled reassuringly at her frightened face, realizing that dying should never be an option when he had friends that loved and cared for him.   
  
Giles was behind Willow in an instant and started talking about some lab values and other medical stuff, but Xander wasn't paying attention. His gaze was on Buffy who stood next to Angel, her eyes boring into the bandage on Xander's neck.   
  
"You were bitten," she said with strong tones.  
  
Angel squirmed next to her and looked away from Xander.   
  
Feeling Willow's fingers touching him tenderly, Xander smiled weakly at Buffy. "I was patrolling with Angel and this vampire attacked me." He cast Angel a grateful stare. "Angel saved my life."  
  
Shocked brown eyes looked at him, and Xander kept his smile unwavering. It grew when Buffy touched Angel's arm and gave him a grateful smile of her own. Angel looked down at her and nodded with affection. The whole thing didn't go to waste; Angel was much more at ease around Buffy now that he knew she had no clue about Willow's spell to return his soul.   
  
Xander thought he should be proud of himself. He'd helped Buffy and Angel's relationship to recover, who would have thought this day would actually come?   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander shivered under the drops of light snow and sank further into his sleeping bag, seeking warmth and shelter. Of all the winter nights, fate chose Christmas to gift Sunnydale with a rare snow storm. It wasn't fair, because Xander was not going to give in and go inside. Not when his family celebrated Christmas with heavy drinking and noisy fighting. It was unbearable on an average night, but it was torturous on the holidays because for some reason, all his other drunken relatives saw Tony Harris' house as the best place to celebrate the holiday.   
  
Xander started to blow on his hands and rub them together for warmth, who would have thought that snow would bring extra chillness along with. He wished he had brought something to cover his head and ears, he was sure his hair had snow flakes stuck in it.   
  
He tried to occupy his mind with thoughts about the latest Scooby case. If only Buffy had allowed him to tag along. He was desperate to know if Buffy was able to save Angel from the First Evil. The freezing night and his nagging fear about Angel's fate kept him from sleep. If only the gang had pitched in and bought cell phones for each member, he would have been able to call Buffy and get the whole scoop.   
  
"Xander?"  
  
The cold was getting into him, making him hear voices he wanted to hear. He wiggled more inside his sleeping bag and wished he could just sleep this night off.   
  
"What are you doing outside at night?"  
  
The aural illusion returned again, he never thought that mirage existed in snow. It had always been a desert thing. Unless it was real, but how could that be?   
  
He peered out and saw Angel standing next to his sleeping bag, looking down at him. Xander sat up abruptly and gasped when he was struck by the icy breeze. "Angel, you're here?" he asked with strategic brightness and wrapped his arms around him.  
  
Angel's eyes hardened. "The question is, why are you here?"  
  
Xander tried with trembling hands to get the cover of the sleeping bag to wrap his back. "Can't a guy camp in the backyard of his home?"   
  
"Not a guy who lives in Sunnydale and knows what a bad idea is to camp outside at night the time when vampires start to stir."  
  
"But vampires don't come out during the holidays." Xander blinked up at the vampire in front of him, recognizing how silly his words sounded.  
  
"Only on Halloween. Other holiday nights are fair games."   
  
Xander's teeth started to chatter and his body shook badly. Angel's frown deepened. "Why don't you go inside?"  
  
Xander's eyes barely flickered toward his house's window but Angel saw the movement and followed it. Angel's eyes lingered at the window and Xander knew his parents' fighting was probably visible.  
  
"How about we go to my place?" Angel asked, his eyes leaving the house's window and landing on Xander's face.  
  
"What?" Xander wasn't sure how to respond. Last time he had been to the mansion, he'd aggravated Angel to the point the vampire had nearly drained him dry. Every time he had been there, something bad had happened. Besides, Angel's invitation reeked of pity, and Xander loathed being pitied.   
  
Angel shrugged. "Buffy went back to her place to celebrate Christmas with her mom. I've got nothing to do."   
  
The nonchalant was appreciated, but Xander knew that other than pity, Angel had no reason to invite him over. After Xander's failed attempt at suicide, Angel had been extra careful with how he treated him, no more intended or unintended innuendos and no more insults. Xander opened his mouth to refuse when a new gust of freezing air attacked his shivering body and made him pull the edges of his warmish sleeping bag more firmly around himself. He heard a stuttered breath coming from Angel and after a few forced tries, he finally glanced out to see what caused a vampire to breathe when he didn't have to. Angel's lips twitched as he choked back the laughter that threatened to burst forth. With a glare, Xander squirmed out of his sleeping bag, about to fight for his dignity, but new icy air attacks stood in the way and made him curl into a shivering fetal ball.  
  
Angel raised an eyebrow in amusement.   
  
Xander let out a defeated sigh and surrendered. Angel's mansion seemed like a much better option than freezing to death or going into the war zone inside his house.   
  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander watched the rising flames, silently taken by how the colors merged from red to orange to yellow. The random snapping of the fire and heat comforted him. His cheeks burned from the heat and his icy nose melted into moistness. His hair was a pool of sweat and possibly had frizzed into curls. He let out a shuddering sigh and huddled into the blanket Angel had offered him before he went out, leaving him by himself in…  _here._    
  
He looked around at the cold, crumbled mansion, studying every hard corner and every broken and non-broken window. His memories drifted to the times when he'd seen Spike and Drusilla here, disgusted with Angel's possessiveness with him.   
  
His eyes went from the spot Spike and Drusilla had been occupying, following Angelus' steps to the bedroom. His gaze couldn't go beyond the giant entrance, but his memory remembered the inside. The stairs, the canopy bed, and the beige blankets. Spike and Drusilla had been there, too, shaking their heads and chuckling in amusement at him, as Angel had stripped him down. How their eyes gazed at his naked body thoroughly and their mouths noted how underdeveloped and skinny he was, that Angel should have picked the little redhead if he wanted to enjoy himself and break the Slayer as well. At that time, Xander might have been too frightened to comprehend, but he did hear what they had said. And all of it was on the nasty side.   
  
After they had left, Xander had been lying on the mattress with strong hands holding his wrists, preventing him any chance of running away. Brown eyes that shone with raw domination and desire gazed down at him, promising to keep him forever. That no one would lay a finger on him as long as Angel was around. Promises of dominance, sex, pain, and -in a twisted, scary, vampiric sense- love floated with each thrust. They'd made a small part of Xander that hadn't been screaming and bleeding for an end to this torture stir with contentment.   
  
Sometimes at night, Xander would have crazy thoughts, ones he could never confess. He wondered about what would have happened if he hadn't run away with Buffy. If he'd stayed with Angel, would he really return his affections? Even in a twisted vampire love way? And then his brain would remind him that Giles had already forced Amy to break the spell, and the love Angel had promised him no longer existed.   
  
That it was, and always had been, nothing but false. Not real.   
  
Xander tightened his hold on the blanket covering him when he felt his body tremble violently. What do you call a person who fantasized about a life with his own rapist? What would anyone call a person who after everything he had been through in a cold, crumbled mansion, from rape and a near death, still preferred spending a freezing Christmas in said mansion than in his own home?   
  
A twisted, freak of nature.   
  
A sob he hadn't expected escaped his mouth, followed by the chatter of his teeth and extra trembles from his body. He lay down on his side, still facing the fire, and rubbed his damp cheek against the hard floor. The desperation and confusion were eating him whole and he felt that he was nothing but a pack of bones, waiting for the neighbors' dog to ravage for scraps.   
  
Lost in the rising flames and the release of irrepressible sobs, he didn't flinch when he heard the tug of the front door opening and then closing.  
  
"Hey, couldn’t find any store open, so I went to Buffy's place. Got something warm for you. Don't worry, I told her nothing about… Xander?"  
  
Xander tried to force the sobs inside but failed miserably, he couldn't help but let go of the pathetic crybaby inside. He'd hid him from Angel and everybody else for so long, it was unbearable now. He just couldn't keep the mask in. It was too much at this point.   
  
"Hey, what's wrong?" The tender tone startled him, because Angel had never been gentle with him. There were always the self-shame looks and regret for what he had done, but there had been no tenderness.   
  
It made it more insufferable, and Xander couldn't keep the hurt inside anymore. "I wish…" He let out a sob. "I wish that nothing happened. That I… that you…"  
  
"You mean what happened here last year?" Angel asked with so much guilt seeping out of his voice.   
  
"No." Xander shook his head, feeling his tears form a pool under his cheek. "I mean before that. The sex at your apartment and… everything before that. I wish it never happened. I wish I was still…" he couldn't keep on when a new fit of sobs started going. His body shook crazily and he hid his face with the blanket, covering his shame from Angel.  
  
If Angel hadn't selfishly roused the deeply buried desires inside of him, Xander would still be  _happy_. Even if getting Buffy's attention had been as hopeless as trying to get Angel's, at least he could still drool after other girls, something he lost the desire to after he'd discovered he was gay. And old vampires with souls would still be the enemy, not walking sex gods that he couldn't have.   
  
A gentle hand touched his trembling shoulder that was covered under the blanket. "Xander, I'm really sorry. For everything I did. I'm sorry for ruining your life and playing with … I want to fix it. I just don't know how. All I have is my sincere apology and… my wish to help. I want to help you, Xander. Tell me how."  
  
Xander pulled the blanket away from his face and stared up at Angel. He knew his face looked like a mess, puffed up, bloodshed eyes, tear streaks and snot covering the area above his upper lip. Angel didn't seem to see that. He just looked down at him, wanting to be there for him and help him out.  
  
Xander's lips quivered. "I… I don't know." He couldn't possibly tell Angel that he could help out by returning his feelings, by wanting him, by fantasizing about sleeping with him, over and over. Angel didn't want him. All of it had been about pity, mockery and love spells. It was never about Xander. He nibbled on his lip and looked down at the floor. "I don't know."  
  
Angel's hand returned to his shoulder. "We'll figure something out."  
  
Xander nodded lifelessly, eyes downcast.  
  
"Hey, how about eating? You look cold."   
  
Xander noted that he was still shivering, but knew it wasn't about the cold. The fire had probably turned his cheeks red and covered him with sweat, so he was trembling because of something else and he knew Angel recognized that.   
  
"Here… this will warm you up."  
  
Xander lifted his gaze from the floor and looked at the mug Angel was holding. Steam was rising up from the mug tempting Xander's frozen insides. He let out a shuddering sigh and slowly sat down, accepting the mug of hot chocolate. The brown, chocolaty goodness didn't lift his spirits up like it usually did, sadly.   
  
He glanced at Angel, who was bringing out the plastic plates of food from their bags. "So, what did you tell Buffy? About this?" He nodded at the bags and the thermos.   
  
"Don't worry. I told her it was for charity. I didn't tell her the truth."  
  
Xander stared at the wrapped plastic plates of roast turkey and Christmas cake that were usually offered to stray, homeless kids on Christmas, and pondered silently.   
  
Angel had actually told Buffy the truth.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Going into the mansion wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been before. After Christmas, Xander had become used to visiting Angel from time to time, and they would spend hours teaching each other what they knew best. Angel would teach Xander how to be a serious fighter, and Xander would teach Angel how he could lighten up and have fun. Nights of patrols and playing monopoly went by like seconds; Xander had never thought he would enjoy Angel's company this much. They might not have a lot in common, but they'd learned to appreciate each others' hobbies, like Angel's love for drawing. He had drawn a very accurate portrait of Xander, and the latter kept it in his drawer to look at it now and then.   
  
Xander wished he could get Angel to watch a few sitcoms, get a few laughs out of him, but that was impossible, seeing as the mansion lacked a TV. It wasn't that necessary though, because Angel usually laughed at Xander's jokes and clumsiness. It was a nice change from the annoyance Xander's jokes used to whip up Angel in the past.  
  
There was a nice sense of relief at being able to go into the mansion without feeling like passing out from fear. The cold atmosphere had gradually become warmer, and not just because Angel always lit a fire in the hearth. Basically, it was nice to be able to get over the apprehension the mansion used to cause in him.  
  
Tonight though, his visit to the mansion reeked of anxiety and numbness. It felt like it would be the last time he'd ever visit the mansion, which probably was true because Angel was going to leave after the Ascension. He'd broken up with Buffy today, completely cutting his ties with Sunnydale. There was nothing else left for him here.  
  
Angel was going to leave.  
  
Swallowing thickly, Xander stood hesitatingly in front of the mansion's door, unsure if he should walk in. He was sad, and angry, and frustrated, and sad. It wasn't like he could ever have a chance to be Angel's… partner? Boyfriend? Fuck buddy? Whatever it was, Xander would never be it. However, he did enjoy how close they had gotten in the past few months. Just being with Angel.  
  
He pushed the door open and walked wearily inside. Angel was sitting in front of the fireplace, setting up the fire. He looked at Xander the second he'd entered.   
  
"Hey." Xander smiled timidly and waved a shaky hand before awkwardly shoving it into his pocket.  
  
Angel didn't return his smile. "Hi." He went back to what he was doing. "Don't you have your prom tonight?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "No date." He walked to sit next to Angel and stared at the rising flames. "You only go to prom when you have a date. Otherwise, you're just an easy target for the troublemakers."  
  
Angel didn't respond to that, still busy loading the fireplace with pieces of wood. Xander shifted his gaze from the fire toward him. The broody expression revealed nothing but pain and misery. Angel was obviously upset about breaking up with Buffy, he really loved her. He loved her so much to the point of sacrificing his happiness for her. In the long run, Buffy would probably appreciate Angel's sacrifice, once she found a human Mr. Right, settled down, and had her own children. Still, the sorrowful state she had been today was killing Xander, the fact that she would go to her prom dateless. No girl deserved that, not even Queen C the Biggest B.   
  
He looked back at the fire once Angel was done with it. "You know, you chose the wrong day to break up with Buffy."  
  
Angel heaved a long suffering sigh. "I thought it'll be harder if I put it off for long."   
  
"Still, it's the prom."  
  
"You're not going."  
  
Xander smiled and returned his gaze to Angel. "It's different with guys and girls. Prom is like Princess for A Day for girls. The whole dressing up, corsage and showing off their dates deal. For guys, it's just your last chance to lose your virginity before college. And I already lost mine." He bit his lip at the last line and wanted to smack himself for having a big mouth. He'd never mentioned having sex with Angel after he had confessed his wish that it'd never happened on Christmas. In all their encounters lately, they'd been careful about mentioning sex or even implying to it in their conversations.   
  
An expected flicker of hurt crossed Angel's face, and he looked down at his knees in apparent regret.   
  
"I… I didn't mean…" Xander said, only to stop when Angel shook his head.   
  
"No, I… deserve it. I was an ass and I deserve way more."  
  
Xander reached a hand to touch Angel's arm. "Hey, you already suffered more than you deserve in a hell dimension. So, no more beating yourself over it."  
  
Angel looked at him, and Xander reassured him with his eyes that he was past it all. Perhaps Angel had been the jerk who had ruined Xander's life permanently. But then, Xander would have still lived his life in denial if Angel hadn't pushed him to discover his homosexuality. It had been petty and very immature for Angel to act that way, but then Xander had lived his life in jealousy and knew that if it were him in Angel's shoes, he would have probably done worse. Jealousy did strange things to people.   
  
His hand still rested on Angel's arm, a friendly gesture he never thought would happen between them. "Do you think we'll be having a conversation like this if… if I was still into girls?"  
  
"Probably not." Angel chuckled softly. "We would've still been getting at each other's throats."  
  
"Then it turned out for the best in the end."  
  
A small smile played on Xander's face and Angel's eyes focused on his lips. There was a sudden heat that filled the place, one that didn't come from the snapping fire. Xander was about to break the uncomfortable silence, but ended up widening his eyes when Angel closed his and leaned closer. Cool, soft lips settled over his mouth and sucked on his own. A wet tongue licked between Xander's lips, gently asking for an invitation. Xander's lips parted slowly, and he closed his eyes when he felt Angel's tongue going inside. It was a sweet kiss, nothing like the ones he had with Evil Angel, which he'd tried to block from his mind. They kissed affectionately, surrounded by the heat of the fire. It was slow and sensual, a kiss he never pictured sharing with Angel. It felt similar to the ones he saw when Angel kissed Buffy.   
  
And then, suddenly, Xander realized that he must stop.   
  
He placed his hands on Angel's chest and pushed him smoothly away from him. "I won't…" he said, in a hushed whisper, inclining his head backward in a gentle effort to be released. "You just broke up with Buffy. It's not right." He had hurt Buffy before doing exactly this. He would never do such a thing again.   
  
Angel nodded, understanding. They turned away from each other and watched the flames consuming the mansion. Xander's insides burned just like the wood in the fireplace, helplessly wanting to grab Angel into another kiss, losing himself in passion and ecstasy.   
  
"You should ask Buffy to the prom," Angel said all of a sudden.   
  
Xander sighed. "She doesn't want  _me_  to ask her."  
  
"But it's your prom. Both of you. It makes more sense to go with someone from her class than a two hundred years old vampire." Angel looked at him with a content smile. "Go, have fun. Both of you."  
  
The seriousness of his tone contradicted his actions last year. Perhaps Xander wasn't the only one who had matured.   
  
He nodded, pulling himself up to his feet. No girl deserved to go dateless on her prom night, especially if that girl was Buffy. He turned around to wave a goodbye when he caught the sight of Angel putting down the fire. His heart thumbed when he realized that Angel had been setting the fire for him.   
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
The explosion of the high school was a sight not to be forgotten. The way the fire cloud erupted from the top of the school before more explosions blew up all along building. It was the best ending to the school that sat upon the Mouth of Hell. Xander looked around at the police cars and fire trucks that were parked in front of the school. A bunch of fire men were wheeling gurneys with groaning injured students over towards the ambulances.  
  
He walked around the ambulances with Buffy, his hands buried in his pockets. He noticed his friend searching around the crowd ever since they'd started walking. She was looking for Angel. The last Xander had seen of him was during the explosion, Angel had been right behind him, and when Xander had turned around to comment on the event, Angel had disappeared. Xander had looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be seen. While it hurt that Angel went away without saying goodbye, at least Xander knew he was okay.  
  
Buffy stopped, suddenly, her gaze still hunting for the sight of Angel. Xander stopped beside her. "He made it through the fight." She whipped around to look at him. He smiled bitterly at her. "Guess maybe he…" he took a deep, pained breath, "he took off after." Buffy blinked up at him, and then looked down.   
  
Xander knew there was nothing more to say, so he walked away. The air was dark and smoky, and right now Xander was seeing more dead bodies then injured ones. Bodies that were covered with white sheets from head to toe as he walked passed them, announcing the injustice of losing their lives at a very young age. Crying parents greeted him as they lamented the loss of their own kids to this unfair fate.   
  
Xander's eyes widened when he noticed Larry's body being hauled by two firemen into a gurney. Big, gay Larry, who used to beat him up since elementary school, and eventually found a pal in him because of their shared sexual orientation. The grief finally overcame him at the sight of Larry's lifeless body, the grief which had been building since the moment Angel had silently disappeared.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Xander's breath hitched inside when hearing Angel's voice. He turned around to find the vampire in question standing right in front of him, a worried expression dominating his face.   
  
"Your heart," Angel explained. "It’s beating fast, did you lose someone close to you?"  
  
Xander nodded slowly, wanting to point out that the closest of the ones he lost was about to walk out of his life very soon. They stood in silence for a few seconds, gazing at each other, but not speaking. Eventually, Xander's hands returned into his pockets, and he looked elsewhere. "So, uh, you're leaving?"  
  
"Yeah. It's time."  
  
"Aren't you gonna go to Buffy? You know, say goodbye?" Xander's voice was low enough to keep obvious emotions out.   
  
"We already did."  
  
Xander nodded again and waited with dread, cowardly keeping his eyes down so he wouldn't see Angel turn around and leave. Seconds passed and Angel was still standing before him, not talking or leaving.   
  
"Do you want me to give Buffy a message?" He bit his lip when he said that, last time he was trusted with a message he didn't deliver it. Why would Angel trust him to do so now? But then, he couldn't think of another reason for Angel standing in front of him and not leaving.  
  
"There's nothing to be said."  
  
Xander looked up, frustrated. "Then… what?"  
  
He was surprised by the small smile curving Angel's lips before the latter leaned forwards. Xander's eyes widened in shock when Angel's lips rested on his own, giving him a similar kiss to the one they had in the mansion on prom night. This time Xander didn't push Angel away, he closed his eyes and inhaled into the kiss, storing the moment to savor.   
  
Angel drew back eventually and looked down at him with glistening eyes. Xander stared back speechless.   
  
"I wish…" Angel's voice quivered, a pitch of tone Xander never thought he would hear from him in his life, especially when directed to Xander. Angel felt this moment as deeply as Xander did. He cleared his throat and swallowed hard. Actions that made Xander almost stop breathing, moved by the emotions lingering in Angel's face and voice.  
  
Angel brought his lips close to Xander's, and when he spoke his voice trembled with emotion, "I wish you the best, Xander. I hope we'll get to fight side by side again in the future."  
  
Xander turned away quickly, not trusting his voice to speak. He hung his head, fighting back the tears Angel had already seen, the ones Xander had vowed he would never see again. There would be no more girly tears.   
  
Angel's hand gripped tightly on his shoulder, and seconds later it was gone. Angel was leaving now, and Xander might never see him again. He spun to see the last glimpse of him before he walked away, but the only thing he saw was smoke and dust. Angel had left.  
  
A variety of emotions rolled inside him, and his tears almost betrayed him. So many feelings had passed him now, ones that were sorrowful, regretful, and painful. But then, there was also a stirring tingle of pride inside, one that was born due to Angel's words and the look he had in his eyes.   
  
Xander finally had Angel's respect, and for now, that was enough.   
  
  
  
 **The End.**


End file.
